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It’s all about the one who calms the storm. It’s your dancing partner, drinking buddy, lover, adventure buddy, stare at the stars and talk about life, and best friend in one. Unknown

We miss the mark many times in life. Can we accept this, forgive ourselves and others, be grateful for the good and build the best life we can?

Yesterday I turned left to go south and to my surprise found I was going north. I’m still not sure how this happened. My son was with me we were both surprised to be going north.

This can happen in life as well, we think we are doing something, and voila we realize we are not who we think we are, and we are not going in the direction we thought we were. A U-turn is called for, a makeover, a tune-up, it’s time to regroup, rethink, figure out how to get what we say we want, or just figure out what we want.

In our relationship, we need to agree to disagree. We absolutely know we’ve rehashed whatever it is a thousand times. There is no resolving only getting past and on with life. Every disagreement over points of view cannot be resolved. We grew up with different family cultures. We grew up with different values, we might all agree we shouldn’t cheat, steal, or kill. That leaves a lot to disagree about.

We think we are asking our partner to do us a favor. They decline and then later tell us we are manipulative. Years ago I read about how many men hate being asked “could they” instead of “would they.” Of course “I could”, but “I won’t”. This is the mistake I made asking if my husband was busy before I asked for the favor. I thought I was being considerate, if he was busy I wouldn’t ask for the favor. He thought I was being manipulative because if he wasn’t busy how could he decline the favor?

He said, she said arguments are like a feedback loop, we don’t remember the same things, we don’t perceive things the same way, we don’t have the same sensitivities, and the same things don’t raise red flags. We will never convince another person what they believe they heard, saw, experienced, perceived is not the way it was. That the truth is somewhere in the middle of what we both saw, experienced, heard, perceived is lost on both of us.

Every couple needs to argue now and then. Just to prove that the relationship is strong enough to survive. Long-term relationships, the ones that matter, are all about weathering the peaks and the valleys. Nicholas Sparks

The answer is to drop our end of the rope. As soon as we realize we just jumped in the loop we need to stop talking. The conversation just took a wrong turn; if we were driving we would stop and turn around. We need to do the same in our conversations.

These conversations stir up feelings on both sides. These are what we need to deal with. What is it we or our partner is feeling, fears, and can’t get past? Is there a way we could help them get through what they are going through without arguing, without telling them they are wrong for how they feel?

Why is it so important to be right? Whatever happened, happened, arguing about it endlessly is making it worse, not better. They may never see our side, and we may never see theirs, but unless this is a real deal breaker it is doing more damage fighting about it than the actual thing we are fighting over. If we have to be right, our partner has to be wrong. We have different perspectives. When we both accept we have different perspectives we can move into finding a resolution.

Some people feel we should just swallow our feelings instead of dealing with them. I doubt this is a good way to keep the peace. We need to deal with the feelings underneath the anger. Anger, like sadness, hurt, joy, disrespect, etc. are meant to tell us something about our environment. When we are emotionally upset we cannot have a conversation, we can only have a fight. We can’t take in any more information, our senses are already flooded.

We need to do some self-reflection. Why are we getting so angry? What is causing the anger is it hurt, fear, frustration or some combination? What is the expectation we have that is not being met?

Figuring out what expectations we had, and where those expectations come from and learning how to deal with our unmet expectations is important to our wellbeing and the wellbeing of our relationship.

Is it our partner’s responsibility to meet our unmet expectations? Expectations they didn’t know they were expected to meet? We need to learn to manage our expectations and instead of expecting someone to know what we want, expect, require, we need to communicate our wants, needs, desires. Through good communication, both partners are likely to get more wants, needs, and desires met.

Most of us would do anything to make our partner happy. We don’t, because we don’t know what would make them happy. They feel unloved because we don’t do it, we feel unappreciated, and so an unhappy, misunderstood, angry loop of unmet expectations is created.

We need to be vulnerable and honest about what we want in life, and our relationship. What are the disappointments we have? What do we want to change? We need to be open to hear what they want, the changes they want to see, the needs that aren’t being met, the goals that never make it on the list.

Affection is when you see someone’s strengths; love is when you accept someone’s flaws. Unknown

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[(He Said, She Said : Eight Powerful Phrases That Will Strengthen Your Marriage)] [By (author) Jay Laffoon ] published on (February, 2010) Paperback – Feb 1 2010


 

 

 

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