Painting by Belynda Wilson Thomas

Don’t blame people for disappointing you, blame yourself for expecting too much from them. Unknown

My son came home yesterday and looked at three kinds of chocolates on my husband’s and my desks and said. “You two used Valentine’s Day as an excuse to pig out on chocolate.” Then he asked for chocolate.

Today I understand is the worst day for marriage; I’m looking at a blog whose title is Valentine’s Day advice for a marriage to be ‘divorce-proof’ is offensive and dangerous. It projects a sense of blame – and shame – on those of us who’ve decided to end a marriage as if we just were too lazy to do our homework.

This blog seems like it is written by someone who is recently-separated. As someone who is in a long relationship, if it was worth it to end my relationship, meaning we absolutely have decided we have nowhere to go the chasm is too big, the hurt, disrespect, and betrayal too much to bear.  I hope I would still applaud those who had enough of a relationship to work on, and were looking for advice on how to work on their marriage.

Can every relationship, or should every relationship be divorce proofed? I doubt it and I believe some people should run from the relationship they are in, but others look back and realize that what they were running from was just mundane ordinary stuff that we have to deal with in relationships, and they could have divorce-proofed their marriage or at least tried by realizing they had a good person. The grass isn’t greener on the other side of the fence. We all have to get through disappointment, misunderstandings, and unmet expectations.

We said we would love, honor, and respect, not that we wouldn’t disappoint, misunderstand or meet every expectation we don’t even know about.

When we say something to the effect of, “the notion that I could have divorce-proofed my marriage if I had just followed a 12 step program or we had worked harder at romance via date nights and weekend getaways demeans the work we did as a couple – not to mention the complicated dance of living in a partnership with another human being.”

Really, all frustration is birthed out of unmet expectations, and so is nearly every conflict. Matt Chandler

Marriage is a complicated dance and if we love watching dancing couples the ones who master the most complicated dances are the ones we love to watch the most. Saying the marriage dance is too hard to master doesn’t sound like a good enough reason for divorce? No one knows how much work someone did in their marriage, but when we call it quits we should feel good about our decision and if we really did the best we could and didn’t give up before that was the only option, then marriage advice to couples should not offend us.

There are tons of books, columns, and talks, on relationships. I listen to quite a few of them; I pick up books and glean insights from them. Would they be enough if my husband and I were going through what brings people to divorce? I doubt it, but I am glad they are out there. I am sure they help many couples.

Marriage Story is a movie about a marriage breaking up. To me, it highlights how what seemed like a couple who had a lot going for them, but the husband has betrayed his wife with infidelity, and she then betrays him by letting him think she is going across the country for an acting opportunity only to hit him with divorce papers when he comes to visit her and their son at her Mother’s house. They had agreed to keep lawyers out of it. Bringing the lawyers in brought in the vitriol, and makes a relationship that maybe could have been saved into one that even civility toward each other is a stretch.

One of the things we should do is not overreact by ending something that has taken a long time to build and impacts a lot of other people in our lives. If we have children it is a bigger thing to divorce than if we don’t. I remember a movie with Billy Crystal as a therapist. He had a couple in their late fifties or sixties in his office, very average looking, he said to them, “where are you going?”

One of the big complaints I hear from men is women are initiating divorce. Is this because we women are not realistic enough to realize that real life is real? Do we think if we get rid of our husband some fantasy life will materialize? One of the things I think we all need to do is be the spouse that would be hard to replace. If we can keep our marriage on the plus side instead of the negative side, our spouses will at least have to think about how likely they are to get better.

Are we doing our best to meet our partner’s needs most of the time? Do we know what those needs are? Are we critical, contemptuous, defensive, and stonewalling? Could we instead become respectful, grateful, complimentary, kind, understanding, loving, accepting, generous, giving more and expecting less?

Disappointment is unmet expectations, and the more significant the expectations, the more significant the disappointment. Brene Brown

Expectations are resentments under construction. Unknown

The greatest unhappiness a person can feel in life is unmet expectations. Laura Lee Guhrke

Thank you for reading this post. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you will come back and read some more. Have a blessed day filled with gratitude, joy, and love.

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How Happiness Happens: Finding Lasting Joy in a World of Comparison, Disappointment, and Unmet Expectations by [Lucado, Max]

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