Painting by Belynda Wilson Thomas

Defensiveness is usually someone silently screaming that they need you to value and respect them in disguise. Sharon Alder

Has life ever been so good? Especially for those of us who had choice, and the opportunity to live life on our own terms. We could marry or not, get an education in any field we wanted, travel the world, have children or not. We have had so much choice, but are we happier for it?

In stumbling on happiness we are told that happiness happens when we have no choice and then make the most of our situation. Since we can’t spend our time thinking about what if we did this, or what if we did that, we make the best of the situation we are in.

Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, “Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.” But I tell you do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your cloak as well. Mathew 5:38-40

What does this mean?

Over the past year, I’ve been reading how defensiveness in relationships is one of the biggest problems. It is often what makes the situation worse instead of better. Why wouldn’t we defend ourselves, why wouldn’t we stand up for ourselves? Is there a way to stand up for ourselves that is not defensive?

From what I am reading one of the best ways to handle things is not to get defensive as hard as that is. Because getting defensive is what creates the give and take of a fight. If one person tries to pick a fight but we do not respond they do not have a fight.

Is this why Gandhi and Martin Luther King were successful with peaceful protest? When people malign our character what are we to do? When we get defensive it doesn’t seem to work out how we hoped.

You can get to a place where you see clearly; that place is zero defensiveness. Bryant H. McGill

In 1982 Dallas Willard, teacher, philosopher, and author had a conversation with one of his students at a doctrinal seminar. Willard made the statement, “When we look at an object or think about it, we don’t construct it or make it up, rather it exists as it is with observable characteristics and qualities.”

One of the students didn’t agree, and countered with, “When you look at something, you give it its color. It’s not colored unless you look at it.”

So Willard tested the idea: He grabbed a white Styrofoam cup, placed it on a table. Then he asked the student, “Why don’t you turn around and stop looking at the cup and the rest of us will see if it stays colored?”

Willard was direct and sharp. He did not apologize. When Willard was later asked what just happened in there? He replied, “We have to stop being bullied.”

Doesn’t it seem we are being bullied on a lot of issues that are like the white Styrofoam cup? We may not see things the same, we may not experience things the same. But, aren’t white Styrofoam cups still white Styrofoam cups? Letting people tell us that what is, isn’t because they don’t think it is, doesn’t seem right. We might not like what is, we may want to change what is, but what is, still is.

When a tree falls in the forest if no one hears it did it still make noise? Isn’t that a stupid question?

We have a lot of issues to deal with. Jesus said to turn our cheek, which means he stood his ground and turned his cheek, doesn’t it? We may be better if we don’t get defensive and give the other person the fight they want. It shouldn’t mean we are told we must accept things are not what they are?

Instead of getting defensive, just say, thanks for letting me know your thoughts. I’ll consider them. Henry Cloud

I stopped hating and started just being. My whole life, I had been the most defensive person you’d meet, unable to tolerate any criticism. But now I started listening and being. Anthony Kiedis

Critical feedback is the breakfast of champions. Defensiveness is the dinner of losers. Dharmesh Shah

Thanks for reading this post. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you will come back and read some more. Have a blessed day filled with gratitude, joy, and love.

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