Painting by Belynda Wilson Thomas

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“Some of the most beautiful things worth having in your life come wrapped in a crown of thorns.”
― Shannon L. Alder

How do we deal with sensitive people in our lives?

I always say we are like eggs in my family. We are strong but hit the right spot and our sensitivities show up. My daughter has said to me over the years, “that woman gave you cut-eye.” I didn’t notice. My husband says to me “those women were looking at your shoes.” I didn’t notice. I do look down to see if I’m wearing a pair that has passed its best before date.

I’ve been very lucky with my husband’s family, I never encountered a situation that damaged our relationship beyond repair. I’m sure on both sides we have held our tongue and let things slide. Some of my parenting decisions were not the same as my mother in laws. She would have liked it if we sent our children to Church as teenagers. We went to a Church where the Minister was asking the young people for a vow of chastity.

The Minister’s intentions were good. What was the end result? I didn’t think it would be good. I certainly didn’t think it should be public. How long does a vow of celibacy last? Well-meaning people impacting my kids like the Church impacted me wasn’t what I wanted. I went to Church as a teenager. There I found judgment that wasn’t fair or right. I asked questions that couldn’t be answered, they assumed I got them from my Dad. I was told, “Dad was possessed by the devil.”

Early bad religious experiences may impact us for life. There are moments in our life when there is nothing to do but pray. Even if we aren’t particularly religious, we hope for a miracle. Like the boys stuck in the cave in Thailand. In the end, it was human ingenuity that got them out. Finding them was the miracle.

It seems to me that extremely sensitive people often lead hard lives. They pick up on nuances where others see merely a discussion. They observe the deeper patterns that move human society and can be easily frustrated at the injustice they perceive. The slings and arrows we all encounter in life they take personally. We the not so sensitive seem callous and uncaring. Our attitude of “it is what it is” seems offensive.

We don’t live in a perfect world or society, some have unearned success, and some have unearned hardships. It seems we need to accept that sensitive people are made that way. They are not manipulative, they are not trying to make anyone else’s life more difficult and they are not broken. It is hard not to say “this isn’t that big of a deal, enough already.” Even if we aren’t one of the “sensitive people” we all have our “sensitive areas.”

We need to watch what we say to sensitive people and be gentle. This seems hard as often they aren’t that careful about what they say to us. There are times when we feel why do I have to tiptoe around someone else’s feelings. Many times sensitive people are in our lives for the long haul. They are your sister in law, your mother in law, people you didn’t choose to bring into your life. They came with your spouse, best friend, the workplace, groups we join, or the neighborhood.

I’m watching someone I love in this situation now. How will it play out? Should you ignore or confront? How do you deal with the situation when someone is upset about a situation the person involved seems okay with? “Look this isn’t your business,” doesn’t seem helpful. “Can we just deal with what impacts you and me?” Not likely, often the sensitive want to stand up for others they think aren’t standing up for themselves. Sometimes that is good. They have made society better by doing so.

It takes everyone to build a world. The sensitive have their gifts and place in society. They are often the moral conscience. That doesn’t make them easier to live with.