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One of the big fears we have in life is being controlled.

Are we wired to fight against control? Is it better to build a society with self-control? We need laws where we all agree going against them is wrong. Is it productive to bring in ever stricter laws?

 You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.” Dr. Seuss

We are immersed in the idea of personal freedom and self-determination. Life is a balance of freedom, control, and responsibility. We hear of controlling mothers, controlling spouses, state control.

The marshmallow test by Walter Mischel was used to test how long a child could resist eating a treat if it meant they would get two treats instead of one. They were testing if the child had the self-discipline to control their impulses to reach their goal. Managing our impulses to reach our goals is important in life.

It seems it isn’t only the child’s impulse control that is important in the experiment it is also how much trust they have in the experimenter. If the child doesn’t trust the experimenter they will eat the marshmallow sooner. That makes sense to me.

We can teach our children self-discipline but we have to be trustworthy. If we tell our children we’ll go out after they clean their room we have to do it when they have done their part.

Self-control is choosing to give up something we want for something we want more. If we force a child to give up something then that isn’t self-discipline that is controlling. We grow up making constructive decisions and we begin to see our self in a certain way. We are people who don’t drink and drive. We are people who don’t steal. We are people who don’t cheat on our partners. What motivates us over time is our sense of mastery and positive identity.

In raising children the experts say:

Punishment does not encourage self-discipline because the child isn’t choosing to stop what they are doing; they are being forced.

Permissiveness does not encourage self-discipline because the child does not need to stop themselves.

Setting a limit our children are willing to accept, is what helps our children develop self-discipline.

What if you think you have a child that would fail the marshmallow test? Many of the children that did fail still grew up to be adults who could delay gratification to get what they wanted.

We can’t control the world, but we can control how we respond to it. Once you realize that will power is just a matter of learning how to control your attention and thoughts, you can really begin to increase it. Walter Mischel

How disciplined we are as parents affect our child’s level of self-discipline. How could it be otherwise?

Control in marriages can become unhealthy and even dangerous. We often don’t recognize controlling behavior as it chips away at self-esteem and isolates people from family and friends.

Is there chronic criticism – even over small things? If everything is criticized what will that do to self-esteem, and feeling like a true equal over time?

Are veiled or overt threats being made to hurt themselves or others?

Is love conditional? “I love you so much when…”

Is there an overactive scorecard of who’s doing more, who contributes more, who forgives more, who overlooks more?

Is guilt being used as a tool to manipulate?

Is a debt created that’s owed by over-giving? How is all that giving not appreciated?

Is there spying, snooping, or constant disclosure required? Of course this is done with, “if you are not doing anything wrong…”

Are interactions with someone else viewed as flirtatious, suspicious or wrong?

Is the need for time alone respected?

Does trust or good treatment have to be earned?

Is guilt presumed until proven innocent?

Is arguing so tiring we relent?

Are long-held beliefs being belittled?

Are insecurities being manipulated?

Has teasing or ridicule taken on an uncomfortable undercurrent?

Have controlling dynamics made their way into the bedroom?

Are we unable or unwilling to hear our partner’s point of view?

Is someone pressuring us toward unhealthy behaviors? Are they undermining our fitness and eating goals?

Are we thwarting their goals by making them doubt themselves?

What a list and best of all, it’s all our partner’s fault. How great it is to blame our partner for all our problems. If only “you” were different my life would be so good. If only “you” didn’t hold me back I would be such a successful… Does it get better than this, to have a scapegoat to blame all the failings of our life on?

What part do we play in the dynamic of our relationship? It is easy to blame our partner but we created this relationship too. Too often the advice is to leave instead of fixing the relationship.

Relationships are not static, they grow, morph, and change over time. Things we loved the most about our partner become irritating. We may be the controlling one at times and other times our partner is. Are we playing the victim, are they?

Is it easier to blame our partner than to evaluate our life, marriage, and choices? We may have hit a point where we are throwing blame around; we are hurting each other with words and actions. Some hard thinking may have to be done about whether it is fixable or not. Gary Chapman in Desperate Marriages tells us many people regret giving up. Some couples go so far as divorce and get back together after they solve the crisis that separated them. Couldn’t they solve it without separating or divorcing?

Thinking we could have a long marriage without something rearing its ugly head is probably not realistic. We think we have bigger problems than other couples. My oldest sister says, “if we all hung our problems on the line we’d look at other people’s problems and take our own problems back home, not someone else’s.”

To be free we have to take 100% responsibility for our life. We need to find our role in a problem. How we treat each other determines how we will be treated. If we give love and are supportive, not just when our partner deserves it, we will respond a certain way. If we are judgmental, critical, and resentful our partner will respond in a different way.

When we have a problem in our relationship it is easy to think the other person is the problem. Since we know the other person is responsible we get trapped. If the other person is 100% responsible for the problem then we can’t fix it. By blaming the other person we give away our power.

Instead of blaming our partner and giving away our power we need to accept them, how they are. We may feel we have to really stretch to accept our 100% responsibility for the presence or absence of love, but when we do, we have the power to change the relationship.

Are we accepting our 100% of the responsibility for our relationships? What do we need to do to make the relationship better? Are we waiting for someone else to tell us what we will think, feel, do, want, strive for, or change?

When you change the way you look at things. The things you look at change. Wayne Dyer

Wherever you are, be there totally. If you find your here and now intolerable and it makes you unhappy, you have three options: remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it totally. If you want to take responsibility for your life, you must choose one of those three options, and you must choose now. Then accept the consequences. Eckhart Tolle

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