The courage to be disliked, is this something we all need to develop?

Painting by Belynda Wilson Thomas

Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you. Love me and I may be forced to love you. William Arthur Ward

The courage to be disliked doesn’t sound like something we want. But too many of us suffer from people pleasing and it is impossible to please everyone. It takes courage to please ourselves and be the person we think we should be, do what we can, and make peace with what we can’t, knowing everyone won’t be happy.

I finished listening to the book, “The Courage To Be Disliked” by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, it is a book on Adlerian psychology. I’ll have to listen to it several times to take in everything, and I have the hard copy for reference. One of the big ideas in the book is all our problems are interpersonal, our relationships are where most of our problems lie, but also where we get the most happiness from, and one of the big relationships we need to master is with ourselves.

One surprising thing mentioned was neither, to rebuke or praise our children, but instead to thank them when they do something right. Why wouldn’t we want to praise our little grandson for going to the potty instead of in his pants? What about when he doesn’t make it to the potty? Praise is judgment but gratitude is not, and gratitude and respect are how we want to be dealt with. I’ve never thought of praise as, “the passing of judgment by a person of ability on a person of no ability, or lesser ability.”

Our dependency makes slaves out of us, especially if this dependency is a dependency of our self-esteem. If you need encouragement, praise, pats on the back from everybody, then you make everybody your judge. Frederick Salomon Peris

My grandson helps do something and he gets praise, but my husband does the same thing and he gets thanks, would it be better if we give thanks to everyone helping us regardless of age and ability? When we praise or rebuke, we use a carrot or a stick as manipulation tools. In equal relationships, we use gratitude and respect, but in unequal ones, we use praise and rebuke. Encouragement helps people shoulder their responsibilities and take responsibility for their lives.

This is giving me a lot to think about and when I think about Mom and Dad’s parenting there was not a lot of praise for doing what needed to be done. We were part of the family and had chores from an early age and we heard, “Many hands make light work.”

If we get used to hearing a lot of praise from an early age, we may always crave praise, which is someone else’s judgment, instead of relying on our judgment, is this how we become people pleasers?

If we can build relationships where we are equal but not the same it seems this might go a long way toward fixing some of the inequalities and injustice in society. We told our children from an early age, you can be equal or you can be special, but you can’t be both. Do we live in a society where specialness is desired over equality leading to a lot of problems?

Often people ask how I manage to be happy despite having no arms or legs. The quick answer is that I have a choice. I can be angry and not having limbs, or I can be thankful that I have a purpose. I chose gratitude. Nick Vujicic

Gratitude is riches. Complaint is poverty. Doris Day

According to my principles, every master has his true and certain value. Praise and criticism cannot change any of that. Only the work itself praises and criticizes the master, and therefore I leave to everyone his own value. Carl Philipp Emanuel Back

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Is it the best of times, the worst of times, or does our attitude make it so?

Painting by Belynda Wilson Thomas

There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. William Shakespeare

Today a new President of the United States is sworn in and the world trembles, or will these next four years pass with some good and some not so good happening, with unexpected consequences benefiting some and harming others?

Do we have faith we can deal with the challenges ahead? No one knows what is ahead, but we all know it will be different. We see change is coming, but what if changes weren’t coming? Would life be better? Better for whom?

In the game of life, there are winners and losers and no one minds being on the winning side, but when we think we might not be on the winning side we’d like to stop the changes.

My parents lived through a lot of change, some good, some not so good, but they rode the roller coaster of life to the end. My parents lived through one world war, and my grandparents lived through two. We will live through the changes coming, some we may fear but never face, and some we aren’t worrying about will hit us with a force that brings us to our knees.

Is faith what will get us through, faith in ourselves, our countries, our fellow citizens, and our governments? Do we have faith in a higher power? We often don’t know what the ignition point of a powder keg will be, and we feel a powder keg building up with inflation, immigration, the rich getting richer, wars, and rumors of wars.

Is it possible to live in a precarious world with faith to deal with what comes? Hasn’t it always been a precarious world? What can we do in our own lives to make life less precarious? Being part of a strong family is a safe harbor in times of trouble. If we are resilient and able to see what is still possible and make the best of what is, life will be better than if we feel we are victims of circumstances.

A man sees in the world what he carries in his heart. Johann Wolfgang

Victimhood does not build a good life, what is the difference between facing hard challenges and feeling like a victim? When we face hard challenges do we have to find the courage to deal with what is, and when we feel like victims do we not take advantage of what we can do to make our lives better?

We are told we always have a choice, sometimes the only choice is our attitude, sometimes our choice is between two goods, and sometimes we have to choose the best of the bad. Our choices might be for our children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.

Is what we stand up for, rail against, and support, for the greatest good? Do we even know what the greatest good would be? We always come up against the unexpected consequences of our decisions. Sometimes we get good consequences from bad policies and bad outcomes from what we thought would be good.

What are we reaping today because of policies that seemed good? Are we too short-sighted to know what the best policies are? What does a fair and just society look like and are we closer or further away from one than we were years ago?

Policies are in place and many were made with the best of intentions. When we see policies not working do our governments have the strength to turn things around? Will there be unexpected consequences for every change we try to make?

We might think we know the obvious direction we need to go. But we don’t know, we can’t know what the unintended consequences of our best intentions will be.

Even if we fear what the future holds can we be grateful for what we have? Building our country and making life better for our citizens is the government’s job. We need to trust the leadership we’ve chosen, and as we choose new leadership make the best choice, and have faith that they will do their best.

Is it best to hope for the best, and prepare for the worst?

Never let a bad situation bring out the worst in you. Choose to stay positive and be the strong person that God created you to be! Unknown

No one else can choose your attitude for you. Your perspective and choice of attitude gives you the power to be in control. Irene Dunlap

Choose the positive. You have choices, you are master of your attitude, choose the positive, the constructive. Optimism is a faith that leads to success. Bruce lee

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Canada an American State or America a Canadian Province?

Painting by Belynda Wilson Thomas

Canada-American relations for many years did not develop spontaneously. The example of accord provided by our two countries did not come about merely through the happy circumstances of geography. It is compounded of one part proximity and nine parts goodwill and common sense. Harry Truman

Donald Trump is having a moment at Canada’s expense. He might not be able to unite Americans, but he’s bringing forth a rallying cry in Canada. In four years we might thank him for the greater unity we experience because we often don’t appreciate what we have until we think it is threatened.

America has always wanted more territory and felt its manifest destiny was divinely ordained to settle the entire continent of North America. Of course, North America was all one at one time, and America left and became the prodigal son. They got rid of a King and yet have always seemed to want one.

They even have the hubris to be insulted we don’t want to be a state, yet we are not insulted they don’t want to be a province?

America is not our enemy but they have not bought our goods because they are being nice to us. We have relied on them, they were an easy market, and now it is being thrown in our face. America is not our problem, we are our problem, America spurred us on before and perhaps they will spur us on again to become what we can be. Not poor little Canada beside the great America which is how some of us, and some of them, see us.

We’ve prided ourselves on good government and must return to that. We need to trade with the world, and we need to protect our borders. Our Prime Minister said we don’t have a core identity, is it any wonder the Americans want to give us one?

If I had influence over the minds of the people of Canada, any power over their intellect, I would leave them this legacy. Whatever you do, adhere to the union. We are a great country, and shall become one of the greatest in the universe, if we preserve it. We shall sink into insignificance and adversity if we suffer it to be broken.  John A. Macdonald

We may not like Trump for his views on Canada, but we are stuck with him for the next four years. We can live with him and like it, or live with him and hate it, but we can’t change him or America. He got elected to do what is best for America, not what is best for Canada. We need to elect someone who will do the best for Canada, a leader who sees a great destiny for Canada. We are a lot more than just not an American State. We have to build the Canada we want, and have the potential to be.

There is another way to look at this; Trump has upset many with his tempest in a teapot with Panama, Greenland, and Canada. He isn’t even the President yet, why is this being mentioned now, and how is this going to serve him? We don’t know what his reasons are, and some might think I’m giving him the credit he doesn’t deserve, but are we supposed to be upset about this, so we aren’t upset about something else? When he is President, and none of this happens, will what he does want to do seem reasonable?

Is he playing chess while some of us don’t know what we are playing? It’s good advice to not underestimate your opponent, keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Interesting times are ahead, each country has to do what is best for them, and with adept leadership, Canada will remain the true North, strong and free.

When I’m in Canada, I feel this is what the world should be like. Jane Fonda

Our country has everything required to be a global leader in physical, food and energy security. We have an incredibly rich resource inheritance. We have a diverse, educated and peaceful population. We’re located far from most conflicts and we’re next door to the world’s richest nation. Perrin Beatty

We are the second-largest country on Earth, which means that we have the second largest, or perhaps even the largest, stock of natural resources on the planet – an enormous source of strength and responsibility if we would only recognize it, capitalize on it, and make its future development and stewardship a national priority. Preston Manning

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Letting our light shine and becoming a lighthouse, not a weather vane!

Painting by Belynda Wilson Thomas

How far that little candle throws his beams! So shines a good deed in a weary world. William Shakespeare

What changes will we make this year, what changes will happen we didn’t choose but must deal with?

I’m reading, “The Other 90%,” by Robert K. Cooper. He says his grandfather asked him two questions when he was still a young boy to help him be his best.

What is the most exceptional thing you’ve done this week?

What’s the most exceptional thing you will do next week?

That is putting ourselves on the spot and we might not have an answer but if we made it part of our mission to do one noteworthy thing a week we could probably do it. Even asking ourselves the question might help us better orient ourselves in the world, especially if we are getting to the age where we have the joy and privilege of interacting with our grandchildren.

We might decide like Robert Cooper’s grandfather did after having his third heart attack. He’d lived by the motto, “Give the world the best you have and the best will come back to you.” In living a life where he got very good at fitting in and going along he thought he was giving life his best. Still, after three heart attacks, he began to look at life differently and wondered what kind of life he could have had if he’d kept looking deeper and questioned yesterday’s definition of his best.

What if he’s right and we can learn more about the potential hidden inside of us? What if we can choose to be more than we’ve become? Listening to Tony Robbins last night he said more or less the same thing, if we continue to learn and develop throughout our lives, we will be capable of doing more things. There is always something to learn and it isn’t about fame and fortune although many people have found it by solving problems that need to be solved.

What if we are called to be a lighthouse and not a weather vane? I think of people who have been bright lights in my life. Hopefully, we’ve all had bright lights in our lives, and been a bright light in someone else’s. It might not be what we accomplish in life that is as important as that we are always moving toward something even if we never attain it.

All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle. St. Francis of Assisi

If we dare ask ourselves tough questions and answer them how would we change our life? If we don’t like the answer to the question about what exceptional thing we did last week, last month, or last year, we could plan to do something we would be proud of. We might make a call we’ve been putting off, heal a breach in a relationship, or implement a plan we’ve been thinking about.

We need to keep growing, what if, “Our life is a garden, our thoughts are the seeds, we can plant flowers, or we can plant weeds,” is true? Many beautiful gardens become unkempt, what if one of our biggest jobs is to become better with age, and be a lighthouse to those coming after us? Can we become a light in our little corner of the world, where it matters most, in our families?

We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. Plato

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

There is always light. If only we’re brave enough to see it. If only we’re brave enough to be it. Amanda Gorman

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Thank you for reading my books, and a special thank you to those who leave a review on Goodreads and Amazon. If you click on the Amazon link and purchase an item I receive a small percentage of the sale through the Amazon affiliate program.