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Finding our purpose. Being the person we know we are to be, courageous, strong, and facing our fears.

Being the person we know we are to be, courageous, strong, and facing our fears. Finding our purpose.

Painting by Belynda Wilson Thomas

The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives. Albert Schweitzer

The other day I picked up a book Wild at Heart Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul by John Eldredge. In it, he quotes Robert Bly from Iron John. “Some women want a passive man if they want a man at all, the church wants a tamed man – they are called priests, the university wants a domesticated man they are called tenure track people, the corporation wants a …… sanitized man, hairless, shallow man.”

Is the heart of men driven out of them by our society? John Eldredge says in the heart of every man there are three deep desires that when disregarded cause men to lose their souls. These three desires are a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue.

My brothers got toy guns and loved them. My son never received a toy gun, but he made them out of lego and other things. One of the questions in this book is if Jesus was so dangerous he needed to be crucified, was he the kind of man portrayed to us?

Jordan Peterson talks about meek not being what we think. He tells us meek is something like, those who have power but have sheathed their swords. I think of people who are ready to defend themselves and stand up for what is right. This is one of the problems we have in our society. The meek, who are ready to do their duty, defend their families, and build a society, are the law-abiding citizens until they feel the laws they are asked to abide and defend are unfair and unjust.

When asked what was the most important virtue Maya Angelou replied, courage because without courage we won’t be strong enough to live any of the other virtues. It takes courage to take a stand in life and many of us find it admirable when people stand up for what they believe.

It is one of the reasons getting guns out of the hands of some people is a cause they will die for. They believe in holstering their gun, sheathing their sword, but they do not agree to be disarmed.

Freedom is useless if we don’t exercise it as character making choices… We are free to change the stories by which we live. Because we are genuine characters, and not mere puppets, we can choose our defining stories.  We can do so because we actively participate in the creation of our stories. We are co-authors as well as characters. Few things are as encouraging as the realization that things can be different and that we have a role in making them so. Daniel Taylor

One of the problems is trusting those with sheathed swords or holstered guns to have discernment when to unholster, and unsheathe. We aren’t good at trusting others, and the news programs show us many incidences where unnecessary force and violence is used. If everyone has sheathed swords, and holstered guns have we made it a safer society or a more unsafe one?

It makes sense it is more unsafe. If you have a gun, I need a gun mentality will develop. If you don’t have a gun, I don’t need a gun is a far safer society.

The problem is there are so many examples in history where people needed to take up arms to deal with the tyranny they were subjected to. People worry tyranny may return and more likely to return to an unarmed populace than an armed one.

I grew up with parents ready to deal with whoever came to our door. Force was never required. We can overreact. The first night we moved into our house a young man put his hand through our sidelight. His friends were joyriding and overturned their jeep. He was looking for a phone in the middle of the night and only three homes were occupied in our neighborhood. We probably didn’t hear the doorbell, because we were dead beat. We woke up to the sound of shattering glass. What if the first thing we did when we heard shattering glass was shoot?

Are we courageous, and finding our purpose, or living lives of quiet desperation? Do we need to become more powerful in our own lives?

She was right that reality can be harsh and that you shut your eyes to it only at your peril because if you do not face up to the enemy in all his dark power, then the enemy will come up from behind some dark day and destroy you while you are facing the other way. Frederick Buechner

Thank you for reading this post. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you will come back and read some more. Have a blessed day filled with gratitude, courage, and love.

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Wild at Heart Revised and Updated: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul Paperback – Apr 17 2011

by John Eldredge (Author) 4.2 out of 5 stars 299 ratings

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Quit waiting and start living. What are we waiting for? We need to seize the opportunities at hand.

We need to seize the opportunities at hand. Quit waiting and start living. What are we waiting for?

Painting by Belynda Wilson Thomas

My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my love to marry me. Sir Winston Churchill

Thirty years ago today I became a mother. The other day on the radio the announcer was saying he never understood why when women get together after the birth of their babies they talk about it as if it was a war story. Birth, is our war story. Having a baby is a much bigger thing to women than to men and men of course realize and appreciate this. Having a husband when going through pregnancy and childbirth makes everything much easier.

When someone else can look after the logistics and we can just be, it is such a blessing. We can look after the baby and someone looks after everything else. Our circle of love grows as our family grows.

Not long ago a young healthy woman died in childbirth with her third child. A relative on my husband’s side came very close to dying giving birth. Having children is not without risk and if it wasn’t for safe cesareans how would my two have fared?

Natural birth was what I wanted. I saw a woman in the hospital who had a natural birth. She was euphoric and only stayed in my room for about an hour before she took her “newborn” home only hours old. It was not her first baby.

We are blessed to have safe childbirth. Some people think it is so safe they have home births and most of the time it works out well. Birth is not a medical procedure but one can quickly become necessary.

When I think of my husband’s and my families we don’t have any war heroes even though some have served in the military. On both sides, we have women who died in childbirth, on his side one grandmother died in childbirth, and the other one died of complications after childbirth. A cousin’s wife died in childbirth.

We mostly put the risks out of our mind as we contemplate starting a family, or think of the joy we’ll feel when our children start one. We do the same when we put our key into the ignition of our car, or when we do anything else in life. If we thought of everything that could happen, we would be paralyzed and do nothing.

Marriage is about becoming a team. You’re going to spend the rest of your life learning about each other, and every now and then, things blow up. But the beauty of marriage is that if you picked the right person and you both love each other, you’ll always figure out a way to get through it. Unknown

Life is an adventure, and on an adventure, you never know what is around the next corner. If we knew what life had in store for us would it be an adventure? It is a blessing for most of us when we become mothers and fathers. We are lucky when we find out we are pregnant and that is the best news we could possibly get. It isn’t easy for everyone to have a family. It doesn’t always happen at opportune times, pregnancy is not always convenient, maybe it’s never convenient but it can happen at good times in our life when it is the best thing that can happen in our lives.

Yesterday a minister was on YouTube talking about how “The Church” is failing young people.  Telling them to wait to get married, wait until they have their education, a great job, etc. He said he has many newly married women who tell him their husbands don’t want to have sex. They spent their twenties not having sex because they were busy going to school, working hard to get ahead so they could get married. Now they are married but they aren’t that interested in sex.

I was one who thought getting married young wasn’t the best thing. I’m revisiting that thought. Why, if we’ve found the right person would we want to wait to start building a life? When is a better time? There is no better time. There won’t be a better time. Waiting for a better time is what makes many afraid to take the step. Now, it isn’t as good as the last time they didn’t do it, so they don’t take the step.

Wanting our children to not struggle is part of the problem. Life is about struggle, and if we aren’t willing to struggle, we aren’t willing to live. It is getting through the struggle, stronger together that builds marriages and families. We give up the things that have worked in our society at our peril.

We’ve been worshipping at the altar of education, job satisfaction, and worldly success, instead of family and life satisfaction. It seems to me the longer we wait to get married the less special it will be. What happened to the optimism of youth and going on an adventure together?

If I had to do it over again I would get married younger (to the same person). Waiting to afford a wedding is the worst decision a couple makes. Get married, in the Church, back yard, or park, but quit waiting and start living.

We are being told that buying a home is not the best financial decision. So many feel they need to buy a home before they can get married or start a family. If buying a home is important to us it can happen at any time in our lives, marriage and family is not the same. We need to quit waiting, waiting for better finances, stability, and success. Get married and start building stability, family, and success. That’s what marriage is for.

Are there decisions in our life that we need to make, would it be better if we quit waiting and made them today?

Yes, I’m getting married at 20 years old. No, I’m not pregnant. No, I’m not young and stupid. Go ahead and judge me while I’m here getting ready to marry the many of my dreams. Unknown

Thank you for reading this post. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you will come back and read some more. Have a blessed day filled with gratitude, joy, and love.

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Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find–and Keep– Love Paperback – Jan 5 2012

by Amir Levine (Author), Rachel Heller (Author) 4.5 out of 5 stars 112 ratings

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Ambivalence is not a good thing. Don’t we need to know where we are going, where we’ve been, and what we want to accomplish next? Can we make a decision and stand behind it?

Don't we need to know where we are going, where we've been, and what we want to accomplish next? Can we make a decision and stand behind it? Ambivalence is not a good thing.

Painting by Belynda Wilson Thomas

There is no challenge strong enough to destroy your marriage as long as you are both willing to stop fighting against each other and start fighting for each other. Unknown

Looking at books at Value Village on the weekend I saw a book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. I didn’t buy it, but I’ve been thinking about what it says. My husband and I even had a conversation about it. We all know people who have left marriages we thought good enough to stay in and stayed in bad marriages we thought they should have left.

We need to do soul searching to know which kind of marriage we are in. The soul searching should have been done before the marriage, but often people do things trying to make a bad relationship better. They get married when they should break up, they have a child when they should break up, and they buy a house when they should break up. For whatever reason, they keep doing things to make it better, but if it was never good, it is not likely to ever get good.

This is a hard truth and we should look at hard truths during our lives. In Toastmaster’s we have something called “Moments of Truth.” In “Moments of Truth” we are to take a good look at our clubs and see what needs to be changed and improved. We need to do the same with our relationships.

In the book, the author talks about a man who is not happy, and when he sees his friend get a divorce he gets one too. He is still not happy; the girls he’d like to date aren’t interested in him. The visits with his kids he thought would be fun are boring, the kids miss their friends, their stuff, and constant fun isn’t as much fun as he thought and a lot more expensive. He realizes he made a big mistake, but it’s done.

A strong marriage requires two people who choose to love each other even on the days when they struggle to like each other. Unknown

Another woman was in a relationship where they were carefree and her partner starts a business and becomes a businesswoman with all that entails. The relationship isn’t good and hasn’t been good, but because the businesswoman makes a lot of money and the partner doesn’t, she stays. Until one day while helping a woman find a place to live she realizes she too could afford her own place with a little better job.

If we stay for the wrong reasons or leave for the wrong reasons we haven’t made things better. We need to be able to figure out when to hold on and when to fold. We need to do this in other areas of our life as well. Why are we so hesitant to take a good look at what we like about our lives, and what we don’t. As Dr. Phil says we can’t change what we don’t acknowledge. Even after taking a good hard look at our life we may not see how to change it. There are things we can do even if it is only an attitude adjustment.

I keep telling my friends that the men looking our way are in their seventies and eighties. A couple I know of just got divorced. She was fifty and he had to be at least seventy-five when they got married. I don’t know her; I liked him as a grandfatherly person in my kid’s lives. Husband material for a fifty-year-old, I don’t think so.

Ambivalence in life isn’t good. We can stay stuck forever if we aren’t courageous enough to make a decision. One of the questions the author asks is: In spite of your problems, do you and your partner have even one positively pleasurable activity or interest (besides children) that you currently share and look forward to sharing in the future, something you do together that you both like that gives both of you a feeling of closeness for awhile? Would you say that to you, your partner is basically nice, reasonably intelligent, not too neurotic, okay to look at, and most of the time smells alright?

In the book The New I Do Reshaping Marriage for Sceptics, Realists, and Rebels by Susan Pease Gadoua co-written with Vicki Larson the authors talk about other marriage models than the “Love” marriage. Starter marriage, companionship marriage, parenting marriage, living alone together, safety marriage, covenant marriage and open marriage.  The author’s belief is that many people need to tailor their marriage to their own needs. If marriage is going to survive it needs to meet the two members’ needs, or at least most of those needs. What if one of the things we have to decide in our marriage is what our needs are? What if those needs change over time?

Marriage was at one time based on survival, procreation, property, and wealth. Now that we’ve made it all about “Love” we often find it can’t deliver as promised. Are we making the mistake of thinking marriage is only about love, and not realizing a good marriage is about so much more than just “Feeling in Love”. Dr. John Gottman talks about the Good Enough Marriage, this is what we should be after even though it wasn’t what most of us aspired to when we said: “I Do”. If after many, many years we have a “Good Enough” marriage we have achieved something worthwhile. A “Good Enough” marriage is not a bad marriage, if we have a “Good Enough” marriage, looking for a better partner is unlikely to get us what we might want a “Perfect Marriage” because they don’t exist.

Can we create a “Good Enough” marriage out of the one we have?

If you want to have a great marriage. You need to be humble enough to ask yourself, what changes do I need to make. Unknown

Thank you for reading this post. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you will come back and read some more. Have a blessed day filled with gratitude, joy, and love.

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Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship Paperback – Jul 1 1997

by Mira Kirshenbaum (Author) 4.5 out of 5 stars 62 ratings

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Making plans and setting goals. This is our life, what do we want to do, achieve, experience?

This is our life, what do we want to do, achieve, experience? Making plans and setting goals.

Painting by Belynda Wilson Thomas

It is not enough to be busy. The question is: what are you busy about? Henry David Thoreau

This morning the extra hour made it easier to get up at five o’clock. It is still too dark to go for a walk at six. In my morning reading, Brendon Burchard says in The Motivation Manifesto we should write our goals down in the morning before everyone starts to push and pull us toward their ends.

When we’ve decided what our goals for the day are, we can then work around other people’s demands. There is something about scheduling commitments to our self that is more of a commitment than when it is just in our head.

One of the problems we have in our lives is fitting in the things that need to be done, should be done, or could be done. We need to move some of the could’s and should’s into the schedule. We feel we don’t have enough time to fit everything in, but what if we figured out how to do things in less time.

Last night flicking through the channels my husband came upon a show about what we really have to do to be fitter. The answer is less than we think. Instead of ten thousand steps per day, three ten minute brisk walks are more effective because they raise our heart rate. Twenty seconds of high-intensity activity elevates our heart rate.

Two rounds of one minute of jumping jacks followed by one minute of squats is an effective workout we can do anywhere without gym equipment, or spending any money.

Writing every day doesn’t mean hours of writing, it does mean actually writing something and creating a habit of writing. We can do the same with fitness, some small form of exercise fits into our life, if we do it every day we will develop a fitness habit.

Goals. There’s no telling what you can do when you get inspired by them. There’s no telling what you can do when you believe in them, and there’s no telling what will happen when you act upon them. Jim Rohn

If I take a couple of minutes every morning to schedule my day it will become a habit, and being more organized makes achieving our goals easier. Sometimes if we don’t write down our goals they remain hazy and unformed in our minds. At the beginning of the year, I found some yearly journals and I bought a bunch in various colors. I haven’t used them nearly enough. The one I like the best has the week on one page and a blank page opposite for planning. The mistake I made was thinking I should have journals for different parts of my life instead of one very messy journal with everything in it. My goal until the end of the year is to use one journal to plan my days and weeks.

If we don’t make a plan it can be harder to meet our goals. Carving out a little time for ourselves for exercise, creative pursuits, reading, even important phone calls can seem daunting, but once we’ve written it down we are more likely to get it done.

Instead of starting out January 1st, today is the day to make whatever changes we want to make today, and tomorrow is the day to make whatever changes we want to make tomorrow. No one else will do for us what we need to do for ourselves.

If we write our goals down we have more of a chance of meeting them. They will, of course, need to be revised but at least we’ve set a goal to meet, revise, and maybe even change. Isn’t that better than having no goals and moving aimlessly towards what? Is it time for making plans and setting goals?

You have to set goals that are almost out of reach. If you set a goal that is attainable without much work or thought you are stuck with something below your true talent and potential. Steve Garvey

Setting goals is the first step in turning the invisible into the visible. Tony Robbins

Do not wait; the time will never be ‘just right’. Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along. Unknown

Thank you for reading this post. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you will come back and read some more. Have a blessed day filled with gratitude, joy, and love.

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High Performance Habits: How Extraordinary People Become That Way Hardcover – Sep 19 2017

by Brendon Burchard (Author) 4.6 out of 5 stars 59 ratings

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Missing the mark. Living with gratitude and forgiveness for ourselves and others.

Living with gratitude and forgiveness for ourselves and others. Missing the mark.

Painting by Belynda Wilson Thomas

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. Steve Jobs

I’ve finished reading The Having The Secret Art of Feeling and Growing Rich by Suh Yoon Lee and Jooyun Hong. In it she tells us one of the problems we have is fixed ideas. We think that certain things are always bad, but many people who succeeded greatly in life and had failures that pushed them to higher success.

I was told I was just like someone I don’t admire.  As I thought about some of the attributes the person has, I thought maybe we do share some of the same attributes. The person is thoughtful, kind, caring, and creative but never built a good life for themselves, never put their own self-interest to the forefront enough. Perhaps they weren’t narcissistic enough, selfish enough, or strong enough to stand up for themselves and those they were responsible for.

Perhaps there, but for the grace of God go I? If we aren’t lucky enough to get strong families who can protect us from people who take advantage of us, perhaps we learn to accept being taken advantage of, perhaps we are even drawn to those types of people? Or maybe the opposite is sometimes true, we decide no one will ever take advantage of us again, so we take advantage first and seek out those we can take advantage of. We decided if the only choice is to take advantage of someone or be taken advantage of by someone we knew which one we’d rather be. That may be why the bullied grow up to be bullies.

When we have a loving, supportive, strong family we take it for granted. We look at others thinking they should be strong, but without a strong foundation where is that strength to come from?

Often something sweet given at a critical time becomes poisonous later, or something typically considered a misfortune gives the person a chance to be reborn. Suh Yoon Lee

In the book, we are told to listen to our intuition, to that still voice within.  Are we being the best person we can be, are our actions aligned with our values? Are we authentic? Are we okay with who we are, are we comfortable in our own skin, are we strong enough to accept what is, and be grateful? Are we willing to find the hidden gifts? Do we realize that there are seasons in our life and we can’t be reaping during planting time? Do we recognize things are too good to be true but go after them anyway?

Are we willing to live with what we need, so we are free to go after what we want? There will be bitter and there will be sweet, no one only gets sweet. Do we appreciate and respect people in our lives, even if they are not perfect? They have their struggles and we have ours.

When we love others, do we love them in a way they understand as love? Do we respect them in ways they understand as respect? Many of the problems in our relationships are caused by our inability to understand each other. In truth, it can be like men and women speak a different language, and what is most important to him, is not what is most important to her.

I was looking at a forum yesterday a young man said his long term girlfriend told him she got a text from an ex-boyfriend saying he achieved his big goal. She congratulated him over a text. The boyfriend looked at her phone and sure enough, he saw the text from the ex-boyfriend and his girlfriend’s congratulatory texts. They went back and forth about ten texts with nothing in it but congratulatory stuff. He broke up with her because it was more than one text. He felt she was lying. Some on the forum told him he did the right thing because anything less than perfection from a girlfriend is not acceptable.

We can’t get perfection from our partners. They will have flaws and they will make mistakes, and they will talk to people or text people we would rather they didn’t talk to or text. If we don’t love people enough to work through the challenges that will crop up in relationships we won’t have relationships. We may expect more from someone than they can give. We may think our lives together should have unfolded differently. Whatever the challenges we have in our life, they are our challenges; we must meet them, overcome them, or live with them.

When we believe the worst of people instead of the best in people. When we think their motives are bad instead of good, do we get more of what we fear? If we are afraid to take chances in life or love because we might fail, be hurt, or look ridiculous, where will this get us? The worst may happen and we need to be strong enough to deal with whatever life throws at us. Sometimes the worst can and does happen. If we are willing to deal with what is, the good, the bad, the happy, the sad, and ride the roller coaster of life, living each day with gratitude we can have a good life. This is our life, enjoy it, savor it, and be willing to give the people in our lives a chance to redeem themselves. Other people are neither their best nor their worst, and neither are we.

Do we need more forgiveness in our lives? Do we need to forgive ourselves and others for missing the mark?

Words are seeds they do more than blow around; they land in our hearts, and not on the ground. Be careful what you plant and be careful what you say. You might have to eat what you planted one day. Unknown

Never judge someone without knowing the whole story. You may think you understand but you don’t. Unknown

Why is it that we can be so quick to judge others and not so quick to take a look at ourselves? Unknown

Thank you for reading this post. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you will come back and read some more. Have a blessed day filled with gratitude, forgiveness, and love.

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The Having: The Secret Art of Feeling and Growing Rich Hardcover – Feb 5 2019

by Suh Yoon Lee (Author), Jooyun Hong (Author) 4.0 out of 5 stars 1 rating

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Finding our voice, and using it. Are we willing to ask hard questions?

Are we willing to ask the hard questions? Finding our voice, and using it.

Painting by Belynda Wilson Thomas

I don’t pretend we have all the answers. But the questions are certainly worth thinking about. Arthur C. Clarke

Last night was another great night at Toastmasters. As part of our role introduction, we were asked why we renewed our Toastmaster’s membership. The answers can all be summed up with personal growth, camaraderie, friendship in meeting likeminded people, and a place to step out of our comfort zone with others doing the same.

Someone who joined a little after me says she is finding her voice, and using it. She will not be muzzled anymore. When we find our voice we find ourselves. We had several guests and one of them asked what topics might be off-limits.

That is a very good question. It is one I struggle with. I am hearing that someone is being accused of hate speech for saying “Women should not have to compete in sports with a transgender woman (biologically male.)

We are going to have to deal with some of these social justice issues. Whose rights trump someone else’s rights?

Self-awareness involves deep personal honesty. It comes from asking and answering hard questions. Stephen Covey

Beth Stelzer, a biologically female amateur powerlifter and founder of Save Women’s Sports, observes, “If biological men are allowed to compete in women’s sports, there will be men’s sports, there will be co-ed sports, but there will no longer be women’s sports.”

People struggling with their identity, and sexuality, should not be allowed to redefine what it means to be a girl or a woman, surely this should be self-evident, and not hate speech.

Transgender men (biological females) have no advantages in sport. Transgender women (biological males) however is a completely different story and transgender girls don’t even have to take any hormone treatment at all so they get all the benefits of being born male.

We have women’s sports because we know females cannot compete athletically against males. This is an issue where one group’s rights are negatively affecting another group’s rights, isn’t that the definition of inequality?

This is a much bigger issue than who uses what bathroom or is called by what pronoun. It will likely be a very contentious issue. Maybe we need another category for sports?

We need to ask ourselves questions as we go forward.  I hope women’s sports aren’t sacrificed for misplaced political correctness. We don’t know the unintended consequences of things; we have to deal with those consequences as they arise. Pretending there aren’t consequences isn’t the answer.

 Just because topics are messy, doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be discussed. Maybe they are the topics we should discuss the most. If we dance around what needs to be discussed aren’t we muzzling ourselves? If when we find our voice, we don’t use it, what was the point of finding it?

 Questioning is the ability to organize our thinking around what we don’t know. Unknown

The word ‘Why’ not only taught me to ask but also to think. And thinking has never hurt anyone. On the contrary, it does us all a world of good. Anne Frank

Thank you for reading this post. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you will come back and read some more. Have a blessed day filled with gratitude, joy, and love.

To subscribe, comment, see archives or categories of posts click on the picture and scroll to the end. Please subscribe, comment, and share.

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Gender: Your Guide: A Gender-Friendly Primer on What to Know, What to Say, and What to Do in the New Gender Culture Hardcover – Oct 16 2018

by Lee Airton PhD (Author) 5.0 out of 5 stars 2 ratings

 See all 3 formats and editions