Posted on by BWThomas

Will we be right even if it kills us? Do we make our expectations come true through self-sabotage?

Do we make our expectations come true through self-sabotage? Will we be right even if it kills us?

Painting by Belynda Wilson Thomas

Seeing the mud around a lotus is pessimism, see a lotus in the mud is optimism. Amit Kalantri

Yesterday Instead of writing a post I accepted a breakfast invitation. It was lovely. Then we went downtown and spent the day looking at the sights and doing a bit of shopping. I dropped my husband’s coffee and it splashed on my white top. When I went to buy another coffee the one I dropped was replaced for free. “We treat our customer’s right,” the server said.

When we got home I had three things I wanted to get done. I have an Area Success Plan for Toastmasters, and two submissions for the Writer’s group due. I pulled up a fillable success plan and diligently filled it out. Then I saved it to my desktop, emailed it to my Division Director and moved onto the Writer’s Group submissions. They were already written. I went through them a few times, saved them to my desktop and emailed them. Then I patted myself on the back for such a productive evening.

I hadn’t printed the Area Success Plan so I pulled it up and my fillable form was empty. It was saved to my desktop but it was empty. I went to the email I sent my Division Director and it was empty. I emailed her explaining I would get it to her today but the feeling of accomplishment for my very productive evening evaporated.

Is there a trick to fillable forms I don’t know about? I’m not so anxious to try this twice and end up with the same result. It’s a seven-page report! “Oh well,” might work the first time, but do I use the fillable form again, or do I write it out? Writing out is messier, but at least I’ll have it. It seems I am not the first person to have sent out their fillable form and they be blank. I’ll try again with the first page and print it and see if it works. Otherwise, my Director will get a handwritten form.

Somehow I’m not even shocked that my fantastically productive evening didn’t end up to be so. Why? Don’t we all have the feeling sometimes things are going too well? We can hardly believe we got so much done. There has to be a catch, and when there is our world feels right again. What is it about us that thinks if things are too good for too long something bad has to happen?

Is this normal, or a form of self-sabotage? In many books, I’ve read the authors have said we create chaos in our life because we aren’t comfortable without whatever degree of chaos, difficulties, rejection, that we feel is our due.

There is a story behind every person. There is a reason why they are the way they are. Think about that, and respect them for who they are. Unknown

Excerpt from Never Get Angry Again by David J. Lieberman. Renowned psychologist Dr. Nathaniel Branden wrote about a woman he once treated who grew up thinking she was “bad” and undeserving of kindness, respect, or happiness. Predictably, she married a man who “knew” he was unlovable and felt consumed by self-hatred. He protected himself by acting cruelly toward others before they could be cruel to him. She didn’t complain about his abuse because she “knew” that abuse was her destiny. He wasn’t surprised by her increasing withdrawal and remoteness from him, because he “knew” no one could ever love him. They endured twenty years of torture together, proving how right they were about themselves and about life.

When we suffer from low self-esteem, we’re often afraid that something bad will happen to us after something good occurs in our lives. When fortune unexpectedly smiles on us, we feel anxious because of our sense of unworthiness. To alleviate our emotional tension, we might even sabotage our success so that we can fulfill our personal prophecy. The world is as we predicted. We feel secure because our beliefs – no matter how damaging and distorted – have been reaffirmed. We will be right, even if it kills us.

I remember buying a book years ago that said: “Would you rather be right or happy?” Distorted thinking was what it was talking about.  When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change. This quote seems to be popping up all the time. The unexamined life is not worth living. As I am examining things on this journey of self-discovery it is a longer journey than I anticipated. Looking at one thing leads to looking at another thing which leads to still another thing.

Is this why writing is so powerful? When we write things down we can go deeper, deeper, and deeper still? After writing this blog for almost a year I thought there wouldn’t be much left to say. It seems there is more and more and more to say, to look at, and to learn. Excavating our authentic self is not for the faint of heart, nor is it quick or easy. We may not like everything we learn about ourselves, but we can’t change what we don’t acknowledge. We may not believe “we are our own worst enemy,” but it seems like the truth to me. Then when we begin to believe it, we don’t know what to do about it, and the journey continues.

It is so much easier to see what other people should change in their lives, than what we should change in our own. The only power we have is within ourselves. If we can learn to accept and love ourselves warts and all, and as we know better, do better, are we mastering the school of life? Are we kind to ourselves and others when we and they falter and fail?

This is the precept by which I have lived: Prepare for the worst; expect the best; and take what comes. Hannah Arendt

Thank you for reading this post. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you will come back and read some more. Have a blessed day filled with gratitude, self-esteem, and love.

To subscribe, comment, see archives or categories of posts click on the picture and scroll to the end. Please subscribe, comment, and share.

If you purchase an item through the Amazon.ca link I may receive a small percentage of the sale through the Amazon.ca affiliate program.

See this image

Never Get Angry Again: The Foolproof Way to Stay Calm and in Control in Any Conversation or SituationHardcover – Jan 9 2018

by Dr. David J. Lieberman Ph.D. (Author) 5.0 out of 5 stars 1 customer review

 See all 4 formats and editions

Posted on by BWThomas

Sometimes you think you’ve already heard the craziest things. Then you hear something so crazy you can’t believe it. It’s the law. How can we have respect for laws that don’t make sense?

How can we have respect for laws that don't make sense?

Painting by Belynda Wilson Thomas

Bad laws are the worst sort of tyranny. Edmund Burke

Last night was a wonderful celebration for two people at Toastmasters that have achieved the pinnacle of Toastmaster achievement, becoming Distinguished Toastmasters. Indeed one of them has walked this long demanding path twice. When we listen to the stories of the journey to Distinguished Toastmaster and the conduct of those who have achieved this distinction the characteristic that comes to mind is being of service. They are ready, able to assist, encourage, and mentor.

I have a position with Toastmasters only because of encouragement from one of our newest DTM’s. It never crossed my mind to apply to be Area Director, she said, “Keep it in your pocket until you need it for your DTM.”

“Are you achieving your DTM this year?” Is the question I get asked most often as people realize I’m an Area Director.  No, I’m just taking the next step presented to me.  When I listen to the stories of the DTM’s often it wasn’t planned. You do this and you do that, and then someone comes along and says, “You know you are really close to achieving this, if you did, this, and this, and this, you will be a DTM.

Isn’t this how it is in life we don’t have a plan, goal, etc? We start on a path that didn’t even look like a path but if we take on every opportunity that presents itself we grow and develop until one day we can’t believe how far along the path we are. We may even be an example to other people. We can’t even believe that we are an example of accomplishment. “We were just walking the path,” and that is all it takes.

On a crazy note, my husband tells me a pregnant woman shot in Alabama is being charged with the death of her fetus. “You mean the women who shot her?” I say.

No, the pregnant woman is charged with causing the death of her own fetus and the woman who shot her has not been charged at all. Because the pregnant woman started the fight that ended in the death of her fetus she is being charged. If someone can explain this logic I’m open to listening.

My husband and I have long argued over my belief that life begins at conception. To pretend otherwise is not to face the true facts of biology. That does not color my ideas about abortion. To me, abortion is an unfortunate choice some people may feel they have to make. It isn’t my right to force my ideas on them.

Every embryo will not be a live birth. It is foolish to expect that even if we never willingly terminate another viable pregnancy.  Women are subject to our biology. Some people want women to be of less importance than the child they carry. How does that seem like a win for anyone?

The worst form of inequality is to try to make unequal things equal. Aristotle

Women generally happily take on the challenge and joy of motherhood. Criminalizing the unfortunate things that can happen between conception and birth serves no one. We cannot be careful enough to ensure we couldn’t be charged with wrongful death if this becomes the general view.

My husband has been telling me for years, you don’t know what you are saying if life begins at conception. That it is an inconvenient truth does not deter me. Some things are absolutely true and some things are not. There is a point where a seed goes from a seed that has not sprouted to one that has. There is a point where an egg goes from one that is not fertilized to one that is.

Women have the children; we have been elevated and controlled because of it. Women should not be in a cage of our own or someone else’s making because we bring forth the next generation. Unnecessary and unwanted death is a fact of life, criminalizing people and especially women for it does not make sense or move our civilization forward.

If every life is so sacred why isn’t it sacred after birth? The crime is not that every fetus doesn’t become a full term live birth. It is that some of those live births become unwanted, abused, and taken advantage of. That‘s the real crime.

Life is a journey. One of the most courageous things we do is bringing forward the next generation. Making pregnancy harder than it already is will not make more people want to do it. If this becomes generally accepted practice then women will no longer be able to work once they are pregnant. What will we be able to eat, where will we be able to go? It is unfortunate all pregnancies are not wanted.

We cannot control everything in life, let women look after their pregnancies, and don’t make them criminals when a pregnancy ends in heartbreak. Surely when this happens a woman and family have suffered enough.

Apathy is why we end up with ridiculous laws. People say, “That is crazy and will never pass,” but then it does. Michael Maddox

Thank you for reading this post. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you will come back and read some more. Have a blessed day filled with gratitude, joy, and love.

To subscribe, comment, see archives or categories of posts click on the picture and scroll to the end. Please subscribe, comment, and share.


Posted on by BWThomas

Our reputation with our self is self-esteem. Choosing what is good and right most of the time. Dealing with our own issues, let others deal with theirs.

Choosing what is good and right most of the time. Dealing with our own issues, let others deal with theirs. Our reputation with our self is self-esteem.

Painting by Belynda Wilson Thomas

Work on being in love with the person in the mirror who has been through so much but is still standing. Unknown

Self-esteem is our reputation with our self. According to a book I bought yesterday Never Get Angry Again by David J. Lieberman, PH.D. We make all of our decisions in life by choosing what feels good, choosing what makes us look good, or choosing what is good or right.

When we choose what feels comfortable or enjoyable this is our body driving this choice. If we choose excess in this area it can lead to overeating, oversleeping, and other excesses. There is nothing wrong with choosing things because they make us feel good unless we choose them to excess and then they start to make us feel bad.

When we choose things that make us look good, we may tell jokes at someone else’s expense to heighten our own self-worth. We may make purchases we can’t afford to give the illusion of being more successful than we are.

We gain self-esteem when we make choices that are good and right. Self-esteem and self-control are intertwined. Each time we sacrifice what is responsible because we can’t rise above the whim of an impulse, or sell ourselves out to win the praise or approval of others, we lose self-respect. If we continually succumb to immediate gratification or live to protect or project an image, we become angry with ourselves and ultimately feel empty inside.

We long to love ourselves, but instead, we lose ourselves. When we can’t invest in our own wellbeing, we spiral down to the hollow self-destructive refuge of activities that take us away from the pain.

Studies show that our tendency to avoid the pain inherent in taking responsibility for our lives is at the core of anger, and is central to nearly every emotional ailment, including anxiety, depression, and addiction.

To love yourself is to understand you don’t need to be perfect to be good. Unknown

We need to feel the pain of whatever we are going through. I remember watching a TV show, every time there was something to deal with the mother and her daughter got out a tub of ice cream and two spoons. If it was particularly difficult they each had their own tub. It worked for the show, but it doesn’t work so well in real life. After the ice cream is finished we still have the problem to deal with. Not dealing with problems is never the answer. Problems not dealt with do not get smaller, they grow, morph and take over our lives in ways we can’t imagine.

To the degree that we refuse to accept the truth about ourselves and our lives – and overcome our laziness and fear of pain – the “ego” engages to “protect” us, and it shifts the blame elsewhere. We start fault finding outside our self, because if there is nothing wrong with me “our ego says,” then there must be something wrong with you, or the world is unfair, or people are out to get me. Seedlings of paranoia and neuroses take root. For us to remain unblemished in our own minds, we are forced to distort the world around us, and our grasp on reality is flawed, then our adjustment to life will suffer.

Responsible (soul-oriented) choice leads to self-esteem increasing, which leads to ego shrinking, which leads to perspective widening, which leads to undistorted reality, which leads to seeing and accepting the truth (even when it is painful) = positive emotional health leads to acting responsibly. David J. Lieberman, PH.D.

Irresponsible (ego-oriented/overindulgent body) choice leads to self-esteem decreasing, which leads to ego expanding, which leads to perspective narrowing, which leads to distorted reality, which leads to being unable/unwilling to see and accept truth (when difficult or painful) = negative mental health leads to acting irresponsibly. David J. Lieberman, PH.D.

When we become angry at ourselves, we become angry at the world. Who wants to admit we are selfish, lazy, flawed, or a failure. We are what we are and we need to accept ourselves warts and all. When we accept ourselves how we are we can do better. It is when we don’t accept ourselves that we don’t do better; we make everything someone else’s fault. We make ourselves powerless in our own lives when we won’t take responsibility for everything in our lives. Even if it isn’t actually our fault because the world is unfair, waiting for someone else to fix our lives will never work. Any change that needs to be made will have to be made by us, or it won’t be made at all. One small change upon another small change will build the life we want, or at least make the one we have better.

We can add to, or take away from our self esteem with the choices we make daily. We may think we need big achievements to improve our self esteem, I doubt this is true. Many small things add up to big things.

We can improve our self and our corner of the world. Start small. This morning as I walked Lulu (my dog) I picked up a few pieces of trash in an otherwise pristine park. It wasn’t much, but it was something. Often we can do something to make our relationships better, or worse. We can do things we know they hate, or we can do something to make them smile. It’s our choice. Over days, weeks, months these little gestures add up to negative or positive deposits into our partners love tanks. An encouraging word, smile, hug, act of service, a small gift, or spending time together is all deposits. Angry words, disapproving looks, withdrawal from any form of contact, making time only for others, doing things we know they hate, and disapprove of, are all withdrawals from our partners love tanks.

It’s our choice but let’s not pretend we aren’t doing what we are doing, negatively, or positively. That someone may not receive our gesture in the spirit it is offered is not our problem. Maybe we need to feel empathy for what is going on in their life. They may have a hard time accepting or giving love. They may have stuff they need to deal with. We have to deal with ours. They need to deal with theirs. We can’t fix someone else, but if we can deal with life how it truly is and be proactive in our own lives then we are building our own self-esteem.

Self-love is not selfish; you cannot truly love another until you know how to love yourself. Unknown

Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner. Lao Tzu

Thank you for reading this post. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you will come back and read some more. Have a blessed day filled with gratitude, self-esteem, and love.

To subscribe, comment, see archives or categories of posts click on the picture and scroll to the end. Please subscribe, comment, and share.

If you purchase an item through the Amazon.ca link I may receive a small percentage of the sale through the Amazon.ca affiliate program.

See this image

Never Get Angry Again: The Foolproof Way to Stay Calm and in Control in Any Conversation or SituationHardcover – Jan 9 2018

by Dr. David J. Lieberman Ph.D. (Author) 5.0 out of 5 stars 1 customer review

 See all 4 formats and editions

Posted on by BWThomas

Are we waiting for permission to live our lives? Write our own permission slip.

Are we waiting for permission to live our lives? Write our own permission slip.

Painting by Belynda Wilson Thomas

Abundance arrives in the physical world when the inner world is ready to receive it. When we give ourselves permission to experience abundance, it always shows up. Pam Malow-Isham

I’m reading Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown in it she says she absolutely loved Maya Angelou’s writings, but she came across a quote by Maya Angelou that bothered her. “You are only free when you realize you belong no place – you belong every place – no place at all. The price is high, the rewards are great.”

Brene thought how could not belonging be the answer when she spent so much of her time longing to belong and trying to fit in.

I’ve felt that way; I was a farm kid in the town school. When everyone or so it seemed could be on teams I had to take the bus and go home. One of the best things that happened in high school was our gym teacher set up team sports during lunch hour. This was how I got to play team sports.

Brene Brown says she was going to be on Oprah’s Soul Sunday and she had dinner with a friend the night before. He said, “Brene, where are you?”

She gave a flippant answer but realized she wasn’t really present; it was like she was flying above her life, not really part of the moment.

H said, “This is a big deal, I don’t want you to miss it.”

Brene says she was in her hotel room before going to Oprah’s studio and her daughter called about a school permission slip. Brene said to herself, that’s what I need a permission slip to not feel so serious and afraid. So feeling kind of goofy, silly, and knowing no one was looking she wrote herself a permission slip on a post-it note saying, “Permission to be goofy and have fun.”

She tells us this would be the first of many permission slips she would write herself. We still need to follow through, as when we give our kids permission to go on the school trip, they still have to get on the bus.

Are there things in our life we need to give our self permission to do, enjoy, want, attempt? How are we holding ourselves back from doing, becoming, achieving, attempting? We can give ourselves permission to go after what we want in life. Do we need permission to do more or less? If we don’t feel we belong or fit in, we need to at least feel we belong to our self. Where ever we go, there we are.

We may think we are the only one who feels they don’t truly belong. Maybe we all have parts of our life where we are round pegs in round holes and other parts where we feel like square pegs in round holes. Could this be part of the growth we need to go through as we develop ourselves over our lifetime? Is it just an illusion that other people belong more than we do? Another way we compare ourselves to others and come up short. If we actually shared our feelings, experiences, and stories would we find they also felt alone, afraid, and vulnerable? Do we need to be comfortable with being uncomfortable? Is getting out of our comfort zone one of the keys to growth?

When people change they do not ask your permission. Jennifer Pierre

Could it be the more uncomfortable we are with being our unique selves, over time the more comfortable we become with ourselves and we learn to accept ourselves and others for who we are and embrace and enjoy our differences? When we get comfortable with being uncomfortable, do we also get uncomfortable with what was comfortable?

We find when we leave our homes, families, and former life to develop a different life somewhere else; we never fit back completely into where we left. We are changed, we look at things differently. Nothing stays the same; we need to enjoy the moments because we won’t come this way again.

All of our today’s, become yesterdays; we need to enjoy each and every one of them to the fullest. We need to give ourselves permission to truly live, love, enjoy, experience, take chances, succeed, and fail.

If you were to give yourself a permission slip today, what would it say?

Mine says, “I give myself permission to live, laugh, and love, truly, fully, deeply, richly, and with abandon.

When you give yourself permission to communicate what matters to you in every situation you will have peace despite rejection or disapproval. Putting a voice to your soul helps you to let go of the negative energy of fear and regret. Shannon L. Alder

Thank you for reading this post. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you will come back and read some more. Have a blessed day filled with gratitude, permission, and love.

To subscribe, comment, see archives or categories of posts click on the picture and scroll to the end. Please subscribe, comment, and share.

If you purchase an item through the Amazon.ca link I may receive a small percentage of the sale through the Amazon.ca affiliate program.

See this image

Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone Hardcover – Sep 12 2017

by Brené Brown (Author) 4.5 out of 5 stars 90 customer reviews

 See all 9 formats and editions

Posted on by BWThomas

Becoming ourselves, the road less traveled. Do we have the courage to become who we really are?

Do we have the courage to become who we really are? Becoming ourselves, the road less traveled.

Painting by Belynda Wilson Thomas

If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror. Unknown

What a joy to wake up to another beautiful morning. I didn’t hear the rain last night but the ball diamond in the park is half covered in water so it must have been pretty hard.

Some areas are getting too much rain, some are getting too little. The garden and grass are lush and green, so are the weeds. Should I weed this evening or go to the gym? My front walk is being infringed on from both sides by lush vegetation. The grass that is growing in my little planting under our crabapple tree is tall enough to cut as hay.

Do these plants growing where we don’t want them to, feel when we pull them? They’ve exerted as much energy as the plants we want. They are growing where they were planted. That grass seeding is not exact is not their fault. If they were growing a few feet over I would leave them alone, except for being shaved by the lawn mower that is.

Do we sometimes feel like these grass stalks? We are growing, thriving but we don’t quite fit in.

Brene Brown writes, “In fact, fitting in is the greatest barrier to belonging. Fitting in, I’ve discovered during the past decade of research, is assessing situations and groups of people, then twisting yourself into a human pretzel in order for them to let you hang out with them. Belonging is something else entirely – it’s showing up and letting yourself be seen and known as you really are – love of gourd painting, intense fear of public speaking and all.

Many of us suffer from this split between who we are and who we present to the world in order to be accepted. (Take it from me: I’m an expert fitter-inner!) But we’re not letting ourselves be known, and this kind of incongruent living is soul-sucking.”

Brene tells us we need to be okay with who we are, our gifts, our shortcomings, our weaknesses, and our strengths. We need to be willing to be the unique individual that we are. Maybe we feel we haven’t achieved enough, or maybe we’ve achieved too much to fit in. What is fitting in? Fitting in seems like pretending, becoming “Me too.” Instead of having our own interests, talents, goals, we do what we think is acceptable.

Don’t let anyone make you be who you aren’t. Stay true to yourself at all times. Even when it’s not trendy. Unknown

I remember going for a job interview and being asked what my interests were. One of my answers was writing, and I was told, “don’t mention that.” Why are we being asked what our interests are if they don’t really want to know? What was the accepted answer? I still don’t know what kind of interests I was supposed to have to be a suitable employee. I can’t remember if I got that job, only that my interests weren’t acceptable.

Maybe part of our growth and development is being okay with being different. We are all different. Maybe we need more people embracing their uniqueness instead of so many of us trying to fit in. Is fitting in a survival skill from long ago? Ostracism from the herd was death so conforming was required.

Sometimes we will need to stand alone, other times we will need to stand together. We need to be okay in both instances. Some of the worst things have been done because no one stood up to what was wrong. We can’t wait for someone else to stand up to make a good society. We make a good society when we are each willing to stand up for what is right, and good. We may be part of a chorus or a lone voice in the wilderness. Our contribution is to be our best selves, embracing who we are, not pretending to be someone we are not by fitting in.

If we are going to live lives true to ourselves we will have to stand up for what we believe in. We must do things as our heart bids us, we must walk to the beat of our own drummer. Will we be willing to stand for some things and against others? Can we be okay with people disapproving of us because the other option is turning our self into a pretzel trying to figure out whom to be for each person we meet?

We can’t please all the people, all the time. It is better to make peace with who we are, stand up for what we believe in, pursue our dreams, and live our life on our terms. It’s the only life we have, we need to make it count. The only corner of the universe we can improve is our self. Are we vulnerable and comfortable with being uncomfortable, and dealing with people without sacrificing who we are and what we value? Do we have the courage to be ourselves and make connections with others without conforming or asking them to conform?

This above all: to thine own self be true. Shakespeare

Thank you for reading this post. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you will come back and read some more. Have a blessed day filled with gratitude and love.

To subscribe, comment, see archives or categories of posts click on the picture and scroll to the end. Please subscribe, comment, and share.

If you purchase an item through the Amazon.ca link I may receive a small percentage of the sale through the Amazon.ca affiliate program.

See this image

Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone Hardcover – Sep 12 2017

by Brené Brown (Author) 4.5 out of 5 stars 90 customer reviews

 See all 9 formats and editions

Posted on by BWThomas

Is happiness a choice? Are we about as happy as we choose to be? If we aren’t happy enough, can we make better choices?

If we aren't happy enough, can we make better choices? Are we about as happy as we choose to be? Is happiness a choice?

Painting by Belynda Wilson Thomas

Happiness is more than doing fun things. It’s about doing meaningful things. Maxine Lagace

People who live in Ontario and Atlantic Canada are not as happy as the rest of Canada. British Columbia and Quebec are the happiest provinces; Vancouver and Toronto are Canada’s two unhappiest cities.

The reason given for Toronto and Vancouver’s unhappiness is:

Traffic congestion. Waiting in traffic is not likely to increase one’s happiness quotient.

Housing stress: Where will we live and will we still be able to eat causes stress.

High-density unhappiness: People in crowded urban neighborhoods are physically living close together but they don’t necessarily have good social networks.

The reason why people are unhappy in many cases is probably because of their unmet expectations. Maybe we moved to a big city for the opportunity and often the opportunity we find is not necessarily what we were looking for. If we get a better job the cost of living is so much higher we don’t feel better off. We are so busy working we don’t have time to create close social connections.

We are the happiest it seems after age fifty-five. We’ve made peace with the fact we will not be the rising star of whatever we’d hoped for. We’ve built a life, found a partner or made peace with the idea we won’t have one.  A lot of our happiness is not because our life is terrible it is the unmet expectations that make us unhappy.

Maybe we thought we would move to a big city and… What was the and… At one of the Toastmasters meetings, a member said he moved from a small city of six million to Shanghai where there was “opportunity”. He since moved on to the greater Toronto area for “opportunity”.

It is hard to swallow that the secret to happiness in life and our relationships are low expectations. It seems it isn’t how well things are going, but whether they are going better or worse than expected.

To feel big and contented, look down more gratefully and up less longingly. To feel small but ambitious look down less gratefully and up more longingly.  This is our choice would we rather be a big fish in a small pond or a small fish in an ocean? When we move to big cities we probably hoped to become a big fish in the ocean and are unhappy when we are still small fish.

Everyone wants happiness. No one wants pain. But you can’t have a rainbow without a little rain. Unknown

After age fifty-five when we start to make peace with who we are and what we’ve accomplished, we become happier. Life is short starts to become a reality, and we are still here. We count our blessings and hopefully they are many, we count our regrets and hopefully, they are few. Life takes on a sweetness because we can’t take life for granted quite as much. A few friends have already been cut down in the prime of their life, and they seemed as healthy and active as us.

Do higher incomes, lower stress, and home ownership lead to greater happiness? It perhaps isn’t how high the income but as Charles Dickens said, “Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen pounds, nineteen shillings, and sixpence, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds ought and six, result misery.”

Managing our life, expectations, finances, attitude, and relationships affect our happiness.

We can be grateful for what we have. Being grateful increases our happiness quotient. Learning when to hold on and when to let go increases our happiness and lessens our stress. Sometimes it is what it is, and we have to be okay with that.

We can choose to stay connected with family, friends, and develop new connections with people through religious or other groups. Personal connection creates mental and emotional stimulation which are automatic mood boosters, while isolation is a mood buster. We can focus our interactions with positive people, and minimize our interactions with negative people. Volunteering is a way to boost happiness by providing a sense of purpose.

If we aren’t as happy as we want to be, what can we tweak in our life to bring more happiness into it? We choose the changes we want to bring into our life. If we don’t make the changes our life calls out for, who do we think will?

Happiness is a place between too much and too little. Finnish Proverb

Thank you for reading this post. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you will come back and read some more. Have a blessed day filled with gratitude, happiness, and love.

To subscribe, comment, see archives or categories of posts click on the picture and scroll to the end. Please subscribe, comment, and share.

If you purchase an item through the Amazon.ca link I may receive a small percentage of the sale through the Amazon.ca affiliate program.

See all 3 images

The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living: A Guide to ACT Paperback – Jun 3 2008

by Russ Harris (Author), Steven C. Hayes PhD (Foreword) 4.4 out of 5 stars 53 customer reviews

 See all 10 formats and editions

Posted on by BWThomas

Living in the now. Marriage is a dance. Following and holding our own. Following is not being dragged along. Following is being engaged, together, and accepting the call to adventure.

Following and holding our own. Following is not being dragged along. Following is being engaged, together, and accepting the call to adventure. Marriage is a dance. Living in the now.

Painting by Belynda Wilson Thomas

Marriage, families, all relationships are more a process of learning the dance rather than finding the right dancer. Paul Pearsall

What happens when we don’t live in the now? Right now we can choose to be happy, grateful, and filled with joy. Why aren’t we? Often we are carrying something around that happened long ago into our now. Something we can’t change, something was said, something was done, and it’s over. But, it isn’t over in our mind, we keep going over it, we keep making worse scenarios, we keep blaming, and reading things into what was said or what was done.

It isn’t nice when people say things to us we don’t think are nice, true, and fair, etc. Could there be a kernel of truth in what they said? That makes it worse, doesn’t it? I’ve been told I’m a black and white thinker. This doesn’t seem like it should carry the weight I’ve given it.

I don’t think I look at things as all good or all bad, all or nothing, friend or foe, love or hate, right or wrong. I do think I take things that don’t seem like problems and can see where they become problems. I’ve always thought of that as positive. One more drink is too many. Not, no drinks are too many, even though I know for some people none is the right amount.

At Toastmasters when I was still a new member we did a roast at the Christmas party. The Toastmaster who roasted me said he could see me as the leader of a small country giving orders. My way or the highway might be where I have a little black and white thinking. Is this what the person who mentioned my black and white thinking was talking about?

When I’m right, I’m right. Is that a bad way to think? It’s worked for me all my life, maybe not as good as another way of thinking but it would be hard to change now. We are what we are, and certain characteristics are almost set in stone. What would not being stubborn look like? Would it actually be better? Don’t the people in our lives have to love us warts and all?

Not to say we can’t try and improve ourselves, but what is an improvement to us may not be an improvement to them. I would like to become more disciplined, more knowing what I think since I write about it every day.

We shouldn’t want to become an egomaniac where only what we want counts. Nor do we want to be I want whatever you want. It may seem like we’ve changed when all our energy was put into shared work, family, and our relationship. Those things needed all of us. There comes a time when our children no longer need us, our work life may ease up a bit, this gives space for us to develop interests, passions, and goals we had no time for earlier.

A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time. Anne Taylor Fleming

This doesn’t mean our partner is not just as important as they’ve always been. We are filling some other love tanks, finding meaning and purpose in other pursuits. Bringing a more fulfilled us to the relationship.

It can be scary as we think what if they find someone else, more interesting, successful, adventurous, attractive? We could always go looking for someone at any age. It is a chance we take in relationships; they will end at some point, through death, divorce, or separation. Thinking our partner can’t or shouldn’t grow and develop and become who they think they should be outside of marriage, jobs, and parenthood is stifling.

We had to learn to let our children take faltering steps out into the world. Our partners get to take their steps out into the world too.  Kahlil Gibran tells us, “Let there be space in your togetherness. For the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow”.

Some think Kahlil Gibran is telling people to hedge their bets, to not give too much, to guard their possessions and them self, to keep a clear boundary between themselves and their spouse. That individualism is greater than the unit created in marriage.

This isn’t what it says to me. It may be sweet when one spouse says, “You are the cream to my coffee.” Is it so great if individuals do not develop their own interests, gifts, creativity, and find the things that feed their soul? We are expecting too much from one person to be our “everything”.

I believe we can eat from the same loaf, drink from separate cups, have our own interests, grow together in love and understanding, support each other in our endeavors, be there for each other in sickness and in health, be there for richer or poorer, as long as we both shall live.

Marriage is a dance, and if the man leads, the woman must choose to follow. We can’t be dragged into following. We can’t make someone follow. We must lead in a way that the two can dance and both enjoy them self. There is a responsibility on both parties to contribute to the dance. A woman at toastmasters spoke about taking dance lessons, she was told, “She had to hold her own”, so her partner could lead and they could dance beautifully. They gave a demonstration dancing beautifully she was holding her own, he was leading. She was not being dragged along, she was not the lesser of the two, she was a full partner in the dance and they were on an adventure of dancing. We need to do the same if we want adventure in our marriage. We can’t be a lump they just shuffle from pillar to post, we must hold our own and contribute to the happiness of ourselves and our relationship.

Can we dance in the now, grow in the now, laugh in the now, plan for the future while living in the now, living as if today is our last day but planning as if we’ll live forever? What a great life we can have?

Let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it be rather a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Kahlil Gibran

Thank you for reading this post. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you will come back and read some more. Have a blessed day filled with gratitude, living in the now, and love.

To subscribe, comment, see archives or categories of posts click on the picture and scroll to the end. Please subscribe, comment, and share.

If you purchase an item through the Amazon.ca link I may receive a small percentage of the sale through the Amazon.ca affiliate link.

See all 3 images

The Dance of Intimacy Paperback – Mar 28 1997

by Harriet G. Lerner (Author) 3.9 out of 5 stars 17 customer reviews

 See all 20 formats and editions

Posted on by BWThomas

Gratitude and happiness. Are we happy with how we spend our time? These are our happy, golden years. If not now, when?

These are our happy, golden years. If not now, when? Are we happy with how we spend our time. Gratitude and happiness.

Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams. Ashley Smith

What happens if we don’t use the gifts we were given? Does a little part or big part of our self shrivel and die? Do we become unhappy, critical, and miserable? We sometimes think when we hear “using our gifts” it means finding a way to be financially compensated for our gifts. We have many gifts we can use to help us in ways that bring joy, contentment, adventure, excitement, and maybe money into our lives. Is one of the mistakes we make only focusing on the money?

How many people make us laugh? That’s a gift. How many people give us an encouraging word, that’s a gift? How many people smile and say good morning? How many people inspire us? Some people inspire us by not believing in us. We’ll show them can be one of the most inspiring attitudes pushing us forward.

We hear about people who need to find their way back to when they felt alive and happy. Often this journey takes them back to when they were young and using their creative gifts. As they became adults they took on the adult mantle of being serious and doing work that would make a living. They were making a living but the joy in life was given up.

We need to find balance in our lives where we have time for what brings in an income and keeps body and soul together, find creative outlets, and use our gifts. The 5 AM Club tells us gifts and talents neglected become curses and sorrows.

We need to build our every day in ways that uplift us, feed our soul, and bring joy to our lives. Work is part of our lives, not our whole life. We don’t make time for ourselves and our interests at our peril.

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. C.S. Lewis

Since I started following the 5 AM Club and getting up at 5:00 my little dog gets a walk at 6:00. What a joy it is to get out in the fresh air, see the beautiful flowers, and enjoy the early morning. It seems like a gift I give myself, why has it taken me so long to do this? We are both better for our morning walk. Elevating my mornings elevates my life, my mood, and my interactions with other people.

This morning my daughter said, “You need to travel, and putting it off isn’t good.”

We think we have all the time in the world. If we look just a few years ahead of us we see where we’ll be. Tomorrow is not promised, it is a gift. The time to do things is now, but taking time off from business seems like one of the biggest challenges. Is it really? Or is it just fear?

What do we want? That is the question a lot of us don’t answer. What if we can have anything we ask for, but we have to ask? We have to figure out how to bring the things into our life we want. First, we have to decide what we want. We have to make a decision. Are we living our life on autopilot?

We worry there won’t be enough money. What if our problem is a lack of imagination, planning, foresight, and implementation? What if adventure is waiting for us to discover, dream, and do? What if using our gifts is the same. What makes us truly happy, feeds our soul and we do just for the sheer love of doing it is waiting for us to discover or bring back into our lives? Are we stopping to smell the flowers? Are we bothering to plant any? Are we hoping to reap what we aren’t sowing? Do we look for happiness in someone else’s garden?

This is our life, the only one we’ll have, are we living our lives the best way we can? Are we wringing all the joy out of it there is? What are we waiting for? Are there things we aren’t doing, that everyone thinks we should want to, but they aren’t that high on our list? Do we need to recognize the joy and beauty in our lives and quit comparing our dreams, goals, and accomplishments to someone else’s? We may have everything we need, everything we want, because we’ve actually built the life we wanted, and love. Are we seeing the beauty and bounty in our lives? Is it with gratitude we meet each wonderful day filled with 24 hours to be filled how we choose?

Dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today. James Dean

Thank you for reading this post. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you will come back and read some more. Have a blessed day filled with gratitude, joy, and love.

To subscribe, comment, see archives or categories of posts click on the picture and scroll to the end. Please subscribe, comment, and share.

If you purchase an item through the Amazon.ca link I may receive a small percentage of the sale through the Amazon.ca affiliate program.

See all 2 images

The 5 AM Club: Own Your Morning. Elevate Your Life. Hardcover – Dec 4 2018

by Robin Sharma (Author) 4.0 out of 5 stars 58 customer reviews

 See all 5 formats and editions

Posted on by BWThomas

Does our life call out for editing, tweaking, or a complete makeover? Life is growth. Change is the only constant.

Life is growth. Change is the only constant. Does our life call out for editing, tweaking, or a complete makeover?

Every success story is a tale of constant adaptation, revision, and change. Richard Branson

I’m working on editing my novel. I found a book Beginnings, Middles & Ends at Value Village on Saturday. It seems almost like serendipity I go there perusing the books and voila something jumps out at me. Editing, I’ve been putting it off, because it seemed just moving commas around wasn’t getting me anywhere. This book has helped already.

Our lives may need tweaking, editing, or a complete makeover. Often they need care and attention and we need care and attention. Have we been last on our list? Or are we like they tell us on the plane, putting our air mask on first so we can help others. If we don’t take care of ourselves we have nothing to give at some point, we are depleted.

We don’t know where our growth will come from. We don’t know what the future holds. Could Nelson Mandela possibly have known what greatness was in store for him as he was thrown into prison as an angry young man? Was there any other way for him to become the statesman he became?

Do we learn more from adversity? Is adversity the best thing that happens to us we would never choose. We must rise up and become stronger. It is like a sharp pull on our chain, we have to rethink, regroup, and grow. We will never be the same after we go through adversity, we won’t look at things quite the same way. We may think having to take off our rose colored glasses is a bad thing but is it really?

Maybe we thought we couldn’t fail. Maybe we thought our spouse couldn’t leave, maybe we thought devastation could never come to us. Maybe we thought petty quarrels and situations others face wouldn’t happen to us because we handle things better than that. We wouldn’t have those petty misunderstandings in our relationship.  

The secret to change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new. Socrates

Well handle this, life says. Handle it we must. We might handle it well or badly but we must handle it because we can’t ignore it. If we can ignore it, eventually it will become big enough we can’t pretend we don’t see the giant bean stock of a problem that has become our life.

We might even pat ourselves on the back because we always deal with the little things. One day a “little” thing may become something we can’t believe. As the tsunami takes over, we are hanging on for dear life. It could be anything that starts this process. A diagnosis we can’t believe, we eat well, we exercise, and we think good thoughts. How could this happen to us? It could be a misunderstanding and unmet expectations that morph and grow into something seemingly insurmountable. The economy could tank, or just our job or business sector be affected. Maybe we are reaching a stage in our life we don’t feel ready for.

Whatever is before us we must handle, grow, and deal with. We don’t know what will become of our life, relationships, but things will be different. We may think we can just go back, but we can’t.

Even if the diagnosis we are waiting for is negative, we dodged the bullet; we are given a clean bill of health. We will never be the person we were before we worried about that diagnosis. Confronting what we thought might be the end of our life may spur us on to do the things we want to get done. We’ve contemplated the end, we’ve been given a gift, and we need to use it.

Wherever we are in our life, there is probably some tweaking and editing that can be done. Do we need more, less, or different? Have we been doing too much for others, or not enough? Is there a hole in our life we need to fill? Are changes happening we don’t want but must accept? It is what it is, it can’t be different. Will it make us better, or bitter?

We cannot become what we want to be by remaining what, we are. Max DePree

Whatever makes you uncomfortable is your biggest opportunity for growth.  Bryant McGill

Thank you for reading this post. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you will come back and read some more. Have a blessed day filled with gratitude, meaning, change, and love.

To subscribe, comment, see archives or categories of posts click on the picture and scroll to the end. Please subscribe, comment, and share.

If you purchase an item through the Amazon.ca link I may receive a small percentage of the sale through the Amazon.ca affiliate program.

Look inside this book.
Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life by [Dyer, Wayne W.]
Kindle App Ad

Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life Kindle Edition

by Wayne W. Dyer (Author)

4.5 out of 5 stars    83 customer reviews

#1 Best Sellerin Taoism eBooks

 See all 22 formats and editions

Posted on by BWThomas

Be the hero in our own life. Teach our children to be heroes in theirs. Make a choice and stand behind it. Support our children in their choices.

Make a choice and stand behind it. Support our children in their choices. Be the hero in our own life. Teach our children to be heroes in theirs.

Painting by Belynda Wilson Thomas

Sometimes it’s the smallest decisions that can change your life forever. Keri Russell

We are the heroes of our own life. We should not be the bit player, the sidekick, the odd but quirky character, nor the unfortunate woman with the heart of gold, the maiden in distress, or the sage and the wise fool. Even if parts of us are all of these characters we are the hero of our story. If we are the hero of our story, why don’t we feel heroic?

Are we looking around and comparing the worst of ourselves to the best of someone else? Are we looking down at our own accomplishments and magnifying someone else’s? Are we sitting on the sidelines of our own life, wishing, hoping, dreaming, but not doing?

This morning I was not the smart hero. It’s nice enough to not have to wear a jacket and without pockets where is one to put keys? “It’ll be okay”, I tell myself as I take Lulu out for a walk leaving the door open and my keys at home. We are rounding the last corner before home when I see my son in law go off to work.  When I reach the door I realize he locked it. Why wouldn’t he lock the door? He’s a responsible young man. I looked through the blinds and finally, my daughter walked by, I rang the doorbell and she opened the door.

All I needed to do was get my fanny pack and put my keys and phone into it and I was master of my own fate. We can count on people in ways we shouldn’t. We should be in control of most of our own life. We live with our spouse or family but it’s our life. No one is going to live if for us but us. If we don’t step up and build a life we love, who do we think will do it for us? There is no magic fairy, and there is no magic wand. If we don’t make things good for us, who do we think will? If we don’t treat ourselves like we are someone we are responsible for helping, why do we think other people should help us?

My dog Lulu does not expect us to watch her feet. She is very protective of herself and we should also be like that. We need to take care of ourselves; we are worth our time and attention it shouldn’t just be lavished on the others in our life.

If we allow ourselves to be taken advantage of, isn’t it at least part of our responsibility. We need to protect our self from the users and abusers in life. We put ourselves in vulnerable situations we shouldn’t when we drink too much especially when we are young and likely to be prey to trolling men looking for easy pickings. It isn’t women bashing to tell young women they need to be their own control board. Trusting people who haven’t yet proven they can be trusted is not smart.

I believe that we are solely responsible for our choices, and we have to accept the consequences of every deed, word, and thought throughout our lifetime. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

My husband tells me someone has made a derogatory comment, “Thank you, fathers, for dropping off your virgin daughters at the university.” We may not like the fact that there are many users out there wanting to get their hands and other parts on our young daughters. Pretending it isn’t true isn’t helpful. Not letting our daughters grow up, get an education and take their place in the world doesn’t help. We need to teach our daughters to be smart, don’t let people ply them with drinks. Don’t over drink and become a victim. It can be hard to keep our head about us when we aren’t in a mind-altered state. It can be almost impossible to keep our wits about us when we are, and that is what the users and abusers count on. If we don’t teach our daughters to protect themselves and think about what they want and make the choices they want to make, who do we think is going to do this?

It isn’t that our daughters shouldn’t live fun lives, the fun should be on their terms. They should know the consequences of their actions, and they should choose those actions, not just deal with the consequences afterward.

If that rather ignorant but true comment makes some parents and their daughters think about what is in store for them as they go off to university then saying it was a good thing. Not everyone with a smile and a drink is a good guy. Girls just want to have fun is often true, they need to be smart about it, and take care of them self. It isn’t more fun because you are irresponsible or less fun when you are. Living a life of few regrets is worthwhile at every age.

We need to teach our girls and young men to think for themselves. We need to teach them to be able to say, no, that doesn’t work for me, that’s not what I want. We need to teach our children to choose, not just accept what is offered, expected, or coerced. If we taught our girls they could say “Yes” when they want to, maybe they would be better at saying “No” when they need to.

Are we asking our kids, “What do you want?” Not just what do you want to do? What do you want out of life, relationships, and this journey that is your life? What if they could tell us the truth, and we were okay with it? What if our girls didn’t have to pretend it was a mistake when they have sex? What if we made them believe they have the right to make choices, and they should make choices they can stand behind?

There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them. Denis Waitley

Thank you for reading this post. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you will come back and read some more. Have a blessed day filled with gratitude, joy, and love.

To subscribe, comment, see archives or categories of posts click on the picture and scroll to the end. Please subscribe, comment, and share.

If you purchase an item through the Amazon.ca link I may receive a small percentage of the sale through the Amazon.ca affiliate program.

See all 3 images

I’d Listen to My Parents If They’d Just Shut Up: What to Say and Not Say When Parenting Teens Paperback – Nov 1 2011

by Anthony Wolf (Author) 5.0 out of 5 stars 6 customer reviews

 See all 11 formats and editions