Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. Proverbs 16:23-25

We talk, and talk, rehash, go over the same old stuff. It’s often things we cannot change. Someone is hurt, someone is defensive, going over it makes more hurt and more defensiveness. We heard something they say they didn’t say. They think we meant something we say we didn’t mean. They can’t believe they said it, we can’t believe we heard wrong. We are in “groundhog day” mode. We can’t seem to get past something.

There comes a time when we have to agree to disagree. We need to get on with the parts of our lives that work. We need to start doing little things to bridge the gap because words are not doing it.

We may think how do we still talk and keep a wide birth when this thing we can’t resolve seems to encompass everything? Sometimes we think we are saying things in a reasonable non confrontational manner. It may not be taken that way.

We can use our “kind” voice and still be in attack mode. We can do things in avoid mode that are passive aggressive. Getting to and living in approach mode is our goal. Approach means going toward someone or something with positive energy. In approach mode we want to get more of something, experience more, discover more, learn more, and appreciate more. We are in approach mode as we watch a sunset, try to solve a problem or get interested in something. We can ask our self a question, do we want our partner to feel that way or do we want them to get defensive?

Avoid means giving no energy at all. In avoid we want to get away from something. Whether it is purposeful or not, avoiding our partner or shutting them out will have a negative effect. When we are avoiding or feel our partner is avoiding we could make some small gesture of connection, even if it is only to hold a positive thought about them in our mind.

Love one another and help others to rise to the higher levels, simply by pouring out love. Love is infectious and the greatest healing energy. Sai Baba

Attack means turning negative energy against someone. When we are in attack mode we want to devalue, harm, incapacitate and destroy. Attack mode includes coercion and manipulation. We are in attack mode when we have the impulse unconscious or not to “put someone in their place”, or show we are superior in knowledge, skill, talent, sensitivity, character, or morals. Attack mode lowers other people’s value by dismissing their perspective or undermining their confidence. We can be in attack mode even when we use our kind voice, we don’t even have to say anything we can exude the attitude of attack.

As a general rule approach reduces fear and shame. Avoid and attack increase fear and shame.

Motivation differs from goals and intentions in important ways. Our goal may be to get our partner to understand. If we are not in approach mode we will ignore or blow off our partner’s perspective. Feeling disregarded our partner becomes defensive. We are then likely to imply any intelligent person would see it our way.

We respond to our partner’s motivation and not to their goals and intentions. We respond to the emotional tone of the interaction. What does it feel like on the receiving end? Avoid and attack feel devaluing. Our effort to clarify our goals and intentions will always fail unless we change our motivation to approach, to want to understand and appreciate their perspective rather than influence, control or manipulate it.

In How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It the author says. As a general rule, talking to a woman puts her in approach mode, but when a woman starts talking to a man, he can easily slip into avoid mode even if he wasn’t in it when she started. It seems this has to do with the man’s dread of failure and feeling he will hear what he has done wrong. Wow, this explains so much.

I think this is why another marriage coach I’ve been listening to says women should just say “ouch” when something hurtful is said. I’ve found the more I say the worse it gets. Defensiveness on both sides ramps up.

How do we switch into approach mode when we have negative feelings toward our partner? We do it by making a decision. We do it by deciding what is more important to us, ignoring or devaluing our partner or appreciating, connecting and being approachable. Punishment of our loved one may make us feel more powerful but not more valuable.

When we feel devalued we need to raise our self value, not indulge the revenge motivation of anger and punishment. Sometimes we want things from our partner but we make it difficult for them to give them to us. If we don’t hold an attitude of approach in our mind it is difficult even when we use our kind voice to get closer to each other.

It may be hard but we control our attitude. We can change it. We can be the change we want to see in our relationships. Too many of us know our partner needs to see things differently, act differently, and change. It is only when we change, adjust our attitude, become the person we are to be that progress is made. Our attitude is our choice, often a hard choice. It is the easiest thing to be judgmental, to avoid and attack.

Being open, approachable, vulnerable, loving, accepting, encouraging, and kind is hard. What is the alternative? Do we want more hostility, negativity, avoiding and attacking in our relationships?

I’m trying an experiment. I’ve written “approach mode” on an elastic I’m wearing on my wrist to remind me to consciously choose to be approachable. To consciously think loving thoughts, do loving things, and become healer of the breach.

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou

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