Grit: Choose a goal and work toward it.

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The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is tenacity. The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life; and the procedure, the process is its own reward. Robyn Davidson

Grit is being able to keep going when you’d rather quit. Choose your goal, starting is half done. I was in Indigo my favorite haunt the other day and I saw a book on Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance by Angela Duckworth. The author states her father always said “you’re no genius.” To her surprise she won an award for genius. Upon reflection she realized she didn’t think she was a genius, the secret to outstanding success was not talent, but a special blend of passion and persistence she calls grit. Her book is inspiration for non geniuses everywhere.

We need to make a decision of where to focus our energies. We need to have a hierarchy of goals that support each other. Some of us have big lofty goals, but we don’t have anything underneath to make those goals happen. Some of us are working hard but we don’t have a goal we are working toward.

We need to connect the dots so we have the goal we are working toward and also the small and intermediate goals that lead to that achievement. At the writers group last week the speaker said she knows an author who couldn’t wait to put her book on Amazon. Wow, what an accomplishment she was finally a published author.  She waited for the sales to come rolling in, but none came.

She had the goal and the perseverance to write, edit and publish the novel on Amazon. She had no way to let readers know she had written a book or what it was about. Her book was lost in the millions of self published books on Amazon.

Her book may yet be found by someone who realizes how great it is. Being published on Amazon may be better than not being published at all. The speaker at the Writers Group was letting us know not to be too impatient about getting our first book out there. After all the unknown author like the unknown song writer, band, artist could be the next great thing if found by those who will make them great.

True grit is making a decision and standing by it, doing what must be done. No moral man can have peace of mind if he leaves undone what he knows he should have done. John Wayne

Every great artist, band, writer was unknown at one point. There are people whose sole goal is to find the next great or near great song, band, artist, and writer. Fame is not necessarily something to be desired, or so it seems from all the cautionary tales we hear. A modicum of recognition for our work may be where the magic lies.

It might be almost as much of a boost to win best speaker at Toastmasters as big awards. After all when you get up in the morning you have to keep going forward with your life. Big awards may be a letdown as you realize you are unlikely to reach that pinnacle again.

Cultivating tenacity, persistence, goal setting and taking the next step, and having the determination to get up when we fall determines our life. In every area of our life we are tested, we fail, we wish we’d made a different decision we feel we aren’t good enough as parents, spouses, workers, bosses, artists.

We will never be perfect. The speech will never be perfect. The song will never be perfect. The painting will never be perfect.  We will never be perfect parents raising perfect kids. We need to live with imperfection in our self and others, embrace the gifts we and others have, with grit and determination build the best life we can for our children and the future.

The most important job we’ll ever have is raising the next generation. It is a job that takes so much time and energy other goals get put aside. If we can only do one big thing well, raising our children well is the one to choose.

Angela Duckworth’s book is not a parenting book, but she talks about parenting and being an effective parent, how to raise children with grit and determination.

When you feel like quitting think about why you started. Unknown

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Understanding each other. Understanding our self.

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There would be no society if living together depended upon understanding each other. Eric Hoffer

Understanding each other sometimes seems in short supply. It doesn’t shock me that we don’t understand each other. I think most of us don’t understand our self. We are made up of many layers and understanding our selves is a lifelong project.

It’s hard to fit that in while doing the laundry, feeding kids, helping with homework, taking children to activities, being a loving and supportive wife or husband and each working full time at gainful employment.

Gainful employment, that’s loaded isn’t it. Any of you who have stayed home and raised children have been made to feel less because what you did was not paid work. Raising your own children we’ve somehow made less than doing something else. When you are looking after other people’s children it becomes worthwhile again, because of the pay.

Working women are pitted against stay at home mothers. Men are pitted against women, people of other backgrounds, ethnicities, religions, and pigmentations are pitted against each other.

If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care. Marvin J. Ashton

Some writers are writing about the feminine and the role of women in our present time as if women are the answer to all our problems. Women are for sure part of the answer. We need to work together, all of us. The problems of the world are not a male problem, white problem, or any particular religions problem. The problems of this world are here for all of us to do our part to make it a little better.

One of the big problems I have with the religions I have a little knowledge of is they are waiting for the end, the rapture. It matters that scientists forecast that with our current agricultural methods the amount of harvests we can have is limited. It matters that sea life is declining.

Thinking that women just have to get enough power to fix it, is wrong thinking in my opinion. It isn’t because we are women that we might come up with an idea to make things better. We need everyone’s ideas, everyone’s contributions.

If we become a matriarchal society I don’t think that will be better than a patriarchal society. We work best together. We help each other best as partners, husbands and wives, same sex, or opposite sex. When we find a partner to share our lives with and go through all life has to offer, that is the meaning of a well lived life.

We need to quit fracturing ourselves into ever smaller groups. This is why I’m with Jordan Peterson 12 Rules For Life in his belief of equality of the individual. That is the smallest group and when we have equality of the individual we can get on with doing what needs to be done. As an individual with equal rights, where you live, who with, what religion you belong to, what political affiliations you have is your choice. Your rights stop where they infringe on someone else’s.

When we find the person we want to go through life with we have found something worthwhile, we shouldn’t give up on easily. It is this relationship that builds families, communities, fixes problems, and makes things better. It is the family that understands what is good for my kids is good for yours. If your kids don’t eat, mine won’t either. If it isn’t safe for your kids it won’t remain safe for mine.

Many couples get together and think, two of us against the world. How about thinking two of us for the world? What is the small thing we can do to use our talents, creativity, people power to influence our corner of the globe in a positive way? We need to think win/win.

How can we harvest crops and better the soil? How can we harvest from the sea and not deplete it but keep it ever healthy and in balance? What economic platform is good for growth and sustainability, people and corporations? There are questions to be asked and work to be done. We are better when we do it together.

The easiest thing in the world is to become bitter and disappointed because things haven’t gone as we hoped, planned, expected. We are here, in our relationships, our world problems, our local problems, our cross cultural divides, our religious schisms. We need to find a way to share our homes, our planet, our countries, our cities.

The world needs us to work together not pitted against each other. We are stronger together. We need to work through our problems and put our differences in perspective. It doesn’t matter if this relationship is between husband and wife, parents and children, employers and employees, native born and immigrants, different races, nationalities, religious affiliations, sexual orientations. We can and must learn to work together. If we are all equal as individuals, that is true equality. It is, I believe the only equality we can achieve. As individuals we can learn to understand each other, and make a difference in our corner of the world, our sphere of influence.

Life is the first gift, love is the second, and understanding the third. Marge Piercy

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Life choices. Honeymoon, coming home, settling in. Choosing when to have a family.

Posted to blog Sept 2, 2018 Yellow Day Lilly

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Deuteronomy 24 vs. 5 – When a man hath taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business: but he shall be free at home one year, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken.

Now that would be a honeymoon. A whole year to focus on each other. I think newly married couples should enjoy a few years before they have children. To create the bond that will carry them through life.

In the American census of 2010 The New York Times reported that married couples represented just 48 percent of American households in 2010. In 1950 the percentage of married households in America was78 percent.

Recent work by Brad Wilcox and Laurie DeRose, shows that the stability gap between married and cohabiting parents can be seen in every country (even if the overall levels of stability differ quite considerably). It seems as if the old phrase “tying the knot” remains an appropriate one.

The reasons given for greater stability among married parents is:

Most married parents planned the baby with their current partner.

More married parents have been to college, most cohabiting parents have not. There is a wide class gap in marriage in America. Is it the same in Canada? Married mothers and fathers are over four times more likely to hold a bachelor’s or advanced degree than cohabiting biological parents. The gap is wider among fathers than mothers: two in three fathers cohabiting with the mother of their biological child have a high school diploma or less. Some of this can be explained by age. Cohabiting parents tend to be younger so they may end up married and more educated over time. Education is an important, independent predictor of family stability.

Married parents earn more. Married parents are both older and more educated so it comes as no shock to learn they earn more. Mothers and fathers who are married earn substantially more than all other family structures, cohabiting biological parents earning the least. It is the earning gap of fathers that stands out the most. A higher family income predicts greater family stability, in part because of reduced financial stress.

Getting our daughters married seems old fashioned. People and cultures went to great lengths to insure that children did not come before marriage. Statistics show us this is still the best way to ensure our daughter’s future. Educate her and encourage her to choose to marry before having children, so she can plan her family with a man who has the same values and goals she has.

The more things change, the more they stay the same. The wisdom of the past was indeed wisdom. Who we marry impacts our life more than any other life decision we make. Women need to make decisions based on their self interest. Over half of unintended pregnancies result from women not using contraceptives at all.

When my daughter was in University she told me a lot of the girls were not using birth control. If you are smart enough to go to University why aren’t you smart enough to protect yourself from an unwanted pregnancy? If you don’t do it for yourself do it for the baby who deserves to come into the world, wanted and loved.

Women have rights and responsibilities. As the givers of life shouldn’t we be stepping up? Generally what is good for us is good for our babies. Isn’t a stable loving home good for everyone? There are very few things in life we get without taking steps to ensure the outcome we want.

Birth control gives us the freedom we thought men had, to have sex without consequence before marriage.  Why then do half the unplanned pregnancies happen without birth control? I was aghast when my son and daughter were going to high school and told me some girls were willing to “sin” by having sex, but they weren’t willing to “sin” by using birth control. What kind of twisted thinking is that?

“The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.”
Alice Walker

It isn’t marriage in itself that provides stability – I don’t think. It is thinking about the future and making better decisions. We need to foster in our children the need for self respect, self esteem and the expectation they can have a great life. To do this they need to take the steps most likely to bring about this outcome. Birth control is one of the first decisions any couple should make who are embarking on a sexual relationship. Our children will have sex, most of them before marriage, most of them before we think they are ready. Most of them will have sex with someone other than who they will eventually marry. Birth control can make this a better situation instead of a worse one.

Unexpected pregnancy in 2018 should not be the expected outcome of young people’s sexual exploration. Is birth control 100 percent effective? No, but most young people not using birth control will be pregnant within one year? This is not a surprise; it is magical thinking to think you can have sex without pregnancy. If our children think this, we have failed them.

We tell our children when they drive they must put gas in the car. Why aren’t we telling them if you are going to have sex, and most of them will earlier than we want, put a condom on it. Later we can expect them to put “a ring on it.”

Girls, the great liberation for women is birth control. Women should be taking responsibility for their sexuality by using birth control. Men should be taking responsibility as well, especially until they are in a stable relationship where they can trust the form of birth control being used.

This is your life. Make the decisions most likely to give you the outcome you want. Who chooses to live a life of poverty? Women who choose to get pregnant many of them before we even call them women. Part of this I think is a self esteem problem. No one else makes him wear a condom, how can I? No one else is getting an education who am I to think I can? My mother had a baby at 16, why shouldn’t I? So many young people repeat patterns of life they hated growing up in. Why? How do we change the cycle? What do we have to do? What do we have to say?

How do we make young women believe they are worth making better choices? How do we make young men feel they can build a future they can be proud of? Taking care of a family may give them the biggest feeling of pride there is. Not raising their children is many men’s biggest feeling of failure. We can choose to be good parents even if we don’t live with the biological mother or father. Some situations can only be managed.  Just because the situation isn’t perfect doesn’t mean we can’t make it better. Wherever we are in life we can make the better choice. Children are for life.

My brother in law and sister did not stay together. He was a big part of bringing up my niece with self esteem. Father’s are very important in daughter’s lives.

The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works, is the family. Lee Iacocca

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What a Difference a Daddy Makes: The Indelible Imprint a Dad Leaves on His Daughter’s Life

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Time waits for no one. It seems it will take so long for something to come until it sneaks up on us. Enjoy the moment.

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“You’ve gotta dance like there’s nobody watching,
Love like you’ll never be hurt,
Sing like there’s nobody listening,
And live like it’s heaven on earth.”
― William W. Purkey

Time has flown by, our daughter’s wedding is almost upon us. We had so much time. In a week it will be a memory. I hope we savor these moments, they don’t rush by.

Twenty six years have flown by. Our little girl is getting married. We want to see them take these steps in life. They signal steps we are taking too.

There will now be another household to host dinners. A new family is formed; she is still part of ours but now creating her own. It doesn’t seem like thirty two years ago I did the same. Time flies and creeps. The years have flown by in a happy blur.

We wonder did we do enough with our children when they were young? Did we go enough places and see enough things. They never got to Disney World does that make them deprived children? They have two parents that stayed together, does that make them blessed?

There is a point in the confusion, planning, packing, organizing and buying when we think it will never all get done. Yet, here we are, if there are any loose ends they will stay loose. It is freeing to know this is it. We can relax because there is nothing more we can do.

We’ve been manicured and pedicured, dresses altered, we are done. All this planning has come down to today. We sigh a sigh of relief and look forward to rest and relaxation, fun and frivolity and the celebration of a love story.

Life moves on, today is a big day in our lives, tomorrow is a big day in someone else’s. We enjoy the big moments and the small, they are the sum of our life.

 “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”
― Dr. Seuss

Real life is great, and may seem boring in the light of the exciting. The exciting only shines because of the rest of our life it is set against. If we enjoy each moment for the gifts it brings, we enjoy our life. There is always something to smile about.

“May you live every day of your life.”
― Jonathan Swift

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New beginnings. Using our gifts. Taking up our responsibilities. Comparisons are odious.

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The art of contentment is the recognition that the most satisfying and the most dependably refreshing experiences of life lie not in great things but in little.  The rarity of happiness among those who achieved much is evidence that achievement is not in itself the assurance of a happy life.  The great, like the humble, may have to find their satisfaction in the same plain things.

Edgar A. Collard

The gift of time is over, how will we pack all this stuff? We look at each other and know by the time we leave order will be restored to our home. The craft shop in the dining room will be dismantled.

After all this chaos and planning, we are all looking forward to relaxing in Jamaica. People get married every day and for most of us it is the centre of our life. I was listening to Jordan Peterson yesterday and he thinks we are encouraging our daughters to focus on careers too much.

Most of us will never have a career; we will have a job that pays the bills and keeps the wolf from our door, helping us to make the important parts of our life work. I am trying to come up with a definition of career, let’s go with, “a person’s metaphorical journey through learning and work.” In many ways saying one has a career instead of a job is like having a title instead of better pay.

I’ve always thought the most important jobs are not the ones with cache. We can live without Doctor’s and Lawyer’s but not plumbers and farmers. Good nutrition, hygiene and sanitation has done more for society than anything else. Jordan Peterson says one of the reason women do not rise to the heights in the Professional world is those with education and choice realize what is important at about age thirty-five. They realize it is not the next promotion taking them away from home and family that is important. They do not want to be married to a Corporation.

At some point we realize family is the important thing. Everything else is just to keep the family housed, fed, educated. In one of the American States they are cutting down to a four day school week. They are doing this for economic reasons, but what if we find out schooling our children so much is not better. We are schooling the fun of learning out of them, as they are heaped with greater loads of homework.

Some people embrace the four day work week. Maybe we will embrace the four day school week. What if we realize what is important and put work, careers, corporations and progress in its proper place. Money is a better servant than master, so I believe is work.

It is so easy to be pessimistic about our future. Over population is one of the things I worry about. Some people believe we will peak at about nine billion people and then our population will decline. Can we learn to live in harmony with nature?

We learned to live in harmony, to build societies of peace and plenty. Progress can be made if we work together. If we believe what is good for you is good for me. Jordan Peterson talks about the Mathew principle which is about unequal distribution. We have unequal distribution in our world. We need to be okay with the fact that in a forest a few trees are the biggest. A few song writers have written most of our songs. A few authors have written most of our books.

Through Ancestory.com we will probably learn in the past a few men fathered most of the children. A few companies sell most of the products. A few trees populate most of our forests. A few people make most of our scientific discoveries. A few people make most of the money.

If this is a principle that is universal in our world then we will not change it, if even nature is built upon it.

To whom much is given, much will be required’ (Luke 12:48)”

If we take envy out of the equation and try to live our lives using the gifts we were given then we can have a great life. How many of us use things for purposes they weren’t intended. We make life hard for our self when we could use the proper tool. Is a hammer better than a screw driver, a cherry better than a potato, a chicken better than a cow? Comparisons are odious and we compare ourselves to others to our detriment.

We are here, why? That I believe is what we are to find out. I don’t bring biblical quotes in to turn this into a religious blog. I do it because that is where my mind goes as I ask questions about life and how to make things better. Timeless truths are here for our understanding. We are here, for better or worse. Let’s make it better.

We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully” (Romans 12:6–8

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12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos

Jan 23, 2018

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We are Family. All my sisters, brothers and me.

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Other things may change us, but we start and end with the family. Anthony Brandt

I come from a large family. A blessing few of younger generations will experience. We are spread over Canada but remain close. My sister and her daughter are visiting right now. “More family,” my niece says.

She is in love with the idea of family. It is lovely getting a few days with a nine year old. To see things through her eyes is to glimpse the world as if looking at it anew. We walk around not seeing all the amazing beauty around us. Kids help us look at the world again, seeing what they see.

I read a blog post about a friend who said she was losing her friend who had gotten married and was now a mother. They promised each other they would stay the same. It is an impossible dream and the friend knew it. She seemed unwilling to become embroiled in the friend’s new life baby and all. She doesn’t know what she is missing. I hope she finds out kids are worth it.

Children are the most entertaining people in the world. When you stay home with your family sometimes people think you are missing out. Often it is time away from our families that we miss out on. They grow up so fast. We know it, we promise ourselves we’ll remember everything, we’ll savor the sweetness. We do, but it’s still gone in a blink of an eye. You wake up one morning and your baby is all grown up.

I live across from a school yard and listening to children laugh and play is music to my ears. I hear it isn’t music to everyone’s ears and I wonder why? The joy coming from playing children is palpable; how can you not get caught up in their joy?

My little dog has a playmate for a week. She is going to miss my niece; it was love at first sight for both of them.

My daughter works with little kids in a facility adjoining a senior’s home. The older people love watching the kids. She takes her troop to visit the seniors and they are always welcome.

We make our lives about money at our peril. Accomplishing something is a worthy goal. Building a family is one of the worthiest. It is also one of the most important. We wonder why women who seemed success driven don’t reach for the top jobs. Somewhere along the way they realize what is important and it isn’t the next promotion. If we are lucky enough to have a life that isn’t hand to mouth, and the next promotion doesn’t make life better. Then the next promotion isn’t important to the family. Once you reach a certain standard of living, more doesn’t do all that much.

We are told that on their death bed, no one talks about the meeting they didn’t get to, the promotion they didn’t get. Bronnie Ware an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care has observed the top five regrets of the dying.

I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. At the end it was easy for them to see the dreams that didn’t get fulfilled. Most of the people had not honored even half of their dreams and had to die knowing it was due to choices they made or did not make.

I wish I hadn’t worked so hard. This came from every patient she nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. The women hadn’t spent their lives as breadwinners but the men regretted spending so much time on the treadmill of work.

I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. Many people suppressed their feelings to keep “the peace.” Many developed illnesses relating to bitterness and resentment because of it.

I wish I had stayed in touch with friends. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

I wish I’d let myself be happier. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice.

We all have choice until we don’t. We never know when that will be. If we can make the best of what we have, where we are, and with who we are with and choose to bring our dreams into existence even in small ways then we have a life well lived.

If you sing, sing, if you paint, paint, if your write, write. Don’t wait for the right time, the right work shop, retirement. We should have our hobbies well in hand before retirement. The reward of being creative is the journey it takes us on. Wanting to be a famous writer is not the same as wanting to write. Writing is one of the best ways to express yourself. Keeping the peace is not a bad thing, but silencing ourselves when talking about things would be better for everyone is not the answer.

We need to talk so people will listen and listen so people will talk. It is a skill we can all learn. One of the gifts we can give people is to listen to them and really hear what they are saying. So many of us feel unheard, silenced, not listened to. If we only learn one skill let it be cFamilies are the tie that reminds us of yesterday, provide strength and support today, and give us hope for tomorrow.

The soul is healed by being with children. Fyodor Dostoevsky