It is the loving woman who feels loving, not the loved. Jessamyn West
What is love? Is it better to be loved or loving? Love is an action, a verb. We think we want to be loved, but we feel good by being loving. The more we give love, the more we feel loving. It is probably true in love as well as everything else it is more blessed to give than to receive. We may not be in control of getting love, but we are in control of giving love. This puts us in control of our life.
There are so many people, animals, causes to pour our love on. We can use soft words to turn away wrath. We can love first, we can forgive first. Our life is more in our control than we think. The sum of our relationships is our reaction to each other, in words, and in deeds. We make the choice how to react to situations. Our reaction sets in motion what someone else reacts to. We can ramp it up, or we can ramp it down. Our choice.
So often we don’t want to accept absolute responsibility for conversations, or hurt feelings we have. We don’t want to forgive. We don’t want to move on. We want to wallow in our pain. We want to lash out, we want to hurt. If we do it too much, we have words out there we can never take back.
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1
Would we rather be right, or would we rather be happy? It seems we can’t have both. But we are right, we say. Even when we are, it isn’t helpful. Often what we are right about is splitting hairs so fine only the two disagreeing see the difference in what is being discussed. We don’t see everything the same way; we can’t see everything the same way. We have to agree to disagree. We have to compromise.
I say I’d rather be happy than right. I don’t always act that way, sometimes I say things that indicate I’d rather be right. I don’t use soft words; I use words and tones that ramp up the situation. It is easy to see what we should have done after the fact. How do we get to the point where we do it when it needs doing?
Our relationships are something apart from ourselves. A third entity shall we say. This entity becomes what we make it. I am not only talking about our romantic relationship but all relationships. Each relationship in our life becomes what we make it. We can’t change another person anymore than we can change the weather. What we can control is the energy produced by the two people in the relationship. We are in control of the care and feeding of our relationships. This care and feeding determines the sum of the relationship.
When someone gives us fear and anger it is up to us what we do with it. If we meet fear and anger with more of the same we get blasted with fear and anger. We need to dig deep and fight fear, not people. Fighting fear is not ignoring it. We need to feel the fear, then we need to stop producing and spreading the fear because it can grow and encompass our whole life. We need to put fear in its proper place and through, compassion, understanding and love work through it.
Don’t worry what other people say behind your back, they’re only finding faults in your life instead of fixing the faults in their own life. Unknown
A broken bone can heal, but the wound a word opens can fester forever. Jessamyn West
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I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary RelationshipsKindle Edition